The great Greek flip-flop flop

Heh - say that fast three times in a row...

Anyway - as I mentioned in Monday's post, We have a friend from Greece visiting for a few days. Since she and Julie are familiar with each other, it was no effort to either of them to fall into an easy banter - especially when it came to taking digs at me. Julie may come out with some odd things now and then (yes, really!!), but she is very quick-witted, and usually manages to put me in my place with no problem.

However, the Sunday was the first day after our friend arrived and she was still somewhat jetlagged. Since I am really not at all good in the morning, Julie was pretty much the only bright spark in a sea of bleary dullness. It didn't help that I had the grand idea of taking our friend to her first car boot fair, an event which can be best described as a yard sale held in a field, where everyone turns up to sell their crap - I mean surplus goods.

As you can tell, you do get some turn up in vans; traders of one sort or another - but they have to pay a larger pitch fee as they will take up more space. Fair play. It is truly astonishing, though, just what people try to sell. Mind you, it's not nearly as astonishing as the fact that people will actually buy it. From rusty car parts, old Paul Young records (usually No Parlez) to a truly staggering amount of baby clothes and dog-eared paperback books, you will find pretty much everything.

On the other hand, you will also find the odd hidden gem, something that is just what you need. That rusty car part might be from an Aston Martin, a part that was last in production fifty years ago. If you are living on the breadline and are expecting a baby, this will be an ideal way to clothe your newborn tot. And yes, there are still some Paul Young fans out there.

As for me and Julie, we view these events as a good opportunity to add to our already substantial collection of hedgehog ornaments, toys and nick-nacks. It may have been at a car boot fair or in a charity shop that we managed to snag a lovely hedgehog doorstop.

Handsome chappie, no? Oddly enough, we haven't named this one, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time.

But I digress. This hedgehog is not simply for looks, we do utilise it as a doorstop. In fact, the door it is responsible for is that which belongs to the guest room, the room in which our friend is currently sleeping as I type this.

Back to the car boot fair. It had been a hot day and we had just dragged our still-weary friend around a dusty field. Having said that, we did treat her to her very first cream tea - with clotted cream, naturally. Unfortunately, despite the delicious refreshments and the elation of having bought her very first item from a car boot fair (a Stephen Fry book), our friend was unaccountably tired, so we bundled her off to her room for a bit of a rest.

On the way into her room, though, she stumbled. Now, I thought she had tripped over the 'hoggy doorstop, and, jokingly, accused her of mistreating that poor, poor animal, "I mean, what has it ever done to you?" I demanded.

How wrong I was. Our friend had not been guilty of mistreating a weighty stuffed animal, but of making a small misstep as a result of her footwear.

You mean, instead of being 'flop-flip'?

Heh. What a day; first boot fair, first cream tea - and her first Gem.

Oh, BALLS.

These balls, specifically.

Tits and balls, oh my!
They're blue tits, but that doesn't help much, does it?
At least they aren't great tits...

In my mum's garden, there are plenty of places for the local birdlife to get their fill - as long as the bloody pigeons and squirrels don't hog it all/crap all over it. But one of the best things we've found are the seed-packed spheres of suet - more commonly known as fat balls.

Yeah. You can see where we're going with this, can't you...

Obviously, it's going to take a total innocent not to make any kind of mental connection with, and let's not beat around the bush here, testicles. Bollocks, gonads, love spuds, the two veg to the penis's meat. Whatever you want to call the male reproductive organs, if you name a product of ANY kind 'fat balls', all kinds of people are going to be sniggering. To be perfectly honest, the manufacturers don't help either...

Ok, settle down at the back there...

As it happens, I recently had a request for me to buy some fat balls for the feeders in my mum's garden. In fact, the poorly-worded  text message I received from my sister ran, "Oh btw, Mum needs fat balls."
My reply? "No comment."

Today, as chance would have it, me and Julie were in a garden centre (cooing over the pets and discovering they even had a couple of hedgehogs!*), so we took the opportunity to buy some spherical bird treats.
After looking at all the pets, gifts and gardening gear, we left with nothing else but avian snacks. I admit to feeling a little sulky that we couldn't afford a 'hog (£150 - before care etc). Julie tried to put a positive spin on things though.

Honestly, I'm not sure one was worse than the other...

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* A little note on purchasing hedgehogs. Only buy/keep African pigmy hedgehogs, as all the other breeds are not suitable for keeping as pets.

A half-half laugh

Some time ago, we were browsing the internet, looking for things to fuel our joint obsession. No, not naughty cigarettes, I'm referring (not reefer-ing) to our shared interest in hedgehogs.

Spike, Julie and their mascot, Reynard.

Originally simply my own mania, once Julie came to the Spiny Side, she quite happily fell in with my ways. We now have a glass-fronted cabinet quite literally crammed with various hedgehog figures - plus an echidna or two - a large amount of plush 'hog toys, and various other related knick-knacks. Reynard even has his own Facebook page, although he hasn't updated it since he got married and went on honeymoo.... what the hell am I even saying? It's a puppet!

Sheesh...

See? I said it was an obsession.

Any way, on a little stroll through the internet, we happened to chance upon a site that sold items of clothing with, among many other things, hedgehog-related images and phrases. We were particularly taken with a cap.

Yes, I know it's 'shopped. They make them to order.

Since I see myself as having many characteristics in common with hedgehogs (small, round and prickly), I thought this would be great for me. And as it happens, they also make one for the ladies. Yes, 'Half woman, half hedgehog'. If you fancy one, you can visit the [Australian] site HERE.

I suggested that we could sport matching titfers;* Julie, however, seemed to want a different cap made...

Famously so. I keep meaning to visit their shows; they're meant to be highly entertaining.

Visit the Ladyboys' site here.

* 'Titfer' = 'Tit for tat' = hat. Cockney rhyming slang, don'tyeknow.

World Book Night 2013 is here!

We've been building up to this for weeks now, both here and on our Facebook page, with hints and teasers galore. Finally, we can now reveal our contribution to World Book Night 2013 in all its glory.

Way back when, I received news that I had been selected once more to be an official World Book Night 'giver'. The first time I did it, the book I chose was Stuart - A life backwards - that one proved to be difficult to hand out, and almost as difficult to read. Last year, it was Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman's Good Omens: The nice and accurate predictions of Agnes Nutter, witch. That went rather better - on several fronts.

This year, out of the twenty titles to choose from, I chose Jasper Fforde's The Eyre Affair. A thoroughly enjoyable and silly romp set in an England from another dimension, TEA shows you just how literally books can come to life.

I will set this blog entry to release at just after midnight April 23rd.
Why? Well, that way, early birds will get a chance to read this and maybe meet me at Roots Urban Farmshop in Eastbourne from 11am onwards and blag a copy of this most excellent of books.

However, should you not be able to make it in time to get a book there, then there is a most wonderful alternative; enter the free draw right here on Julie's Gems.
Here's a shambling, silly video introducing the draw and the prizes on offer.

Just to clarify:

• You have until Midnight GMT May 7th to enter the free draw.
• ANYONE, anywhere in the world is eligible to enter - at no cost.
• Hedgehogs are prickly.
• Enter by commenting here, on our Facebook page, or by emailing us at juliesgems@gmx.com.
• All we need from you at this point is your name and either an email address or phone number. If your name is drawn, then we will ask for your postal address.

...is it me, or was 20% of that last bit unnecessary?

As I said in the clip, one lucky person will not only get a copy of The Eyre Affair, but will bag a veritable treasure trove of goodies. In case you couldn't see them, here they are.

You may have noticed that a couple of books, Skallagrigg in particular, are looking a bit creased. That's because, I'm sorry to say, both that and Decipher are out of print. In the case of Skallagrigg, I think that is most definitely a crime against litereature. Oh, there are pristine copies here and there, but since they go for ridiculous prices in the main, I have to admit that I can't justify forking out my meagre funds.
Oh, alright. The fridge magnet is brand new.

One last detail to try and convince the waverers: The WBN 2103 version of The Eyre Affair comes bundled with a couple of special features. On the inside of the back cover, you will find a poem, and just a little further back from that, there is a snippet from a book, selected by Mr Fforde himself for this edition.

That's it!
Join in, have fun and enter the draw!

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LINKS
Email for Julie's Gems: juliesgems@gmx.com
Julie's Gems on Facebook.
Not Always Right (as mentioned in the video - seriously, it's worth it).
World Book Night.

Julie vs the Jubilee

Well, hello, and happy Jubilee day to you all. Once again, I have managed to coax Julie to the wrong side of the camera - all in aid of celebrating our glorious monarch's long reigBWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Sorry - I just couldn't keep a straight face there. What I should have said is that we wanted to use the jubilee as another excuse to be very silly in front of our audience. With that in mind, I bought a small Union Jack, which - astonishingly enough - was actually made in Britain and then we roped in Reynard to complete the usual suspects.

As you can see, Reynard is very happy to be with Julie, although it doesn't appear to be 100% mutual. Anyway, onto the video. Sorry,once more, about the low sound levels, and sorry for the excessive amount of mumbling and my almost total inability to face the camera.

It would appear the batteries in our camera have a wonderfully developed sense of timing. I promise you that we did not edit that final section at all. What a perfect way to end the clip - although I hasten to assure you my eyes are fine.

So there you have it. I hope the rest of you Brits - and maybe also some of the Commonwealth countries - enjoy the rest of your extended bank holiday weekend.
Ciao!

One of these things is/isn't/is like the other (huh?) - PART 2.

Every family - or, indeed, any group of people - has them. In-jokes. You know the ones; the merest hint of the punchline will cause a cheers and a laugh from other family members, but only confusion from outsiders. For example, when we're out, we may see a postbox and it's almost a race to to joyfully call out "Postbox!" first.
See what I mean? You're all sitting there thinking, "WTF? What's so funny about a postbox??" Well, as with every other in-joke, the answer is simply, 'you had to be there'.

One other example, and it's something of a family classic, dating back to when I was just a kid, is the 'Apple Strudel incident'.
I'll cut the story short - very short: When we were on a family holiday, I finally got around to asking my mother a question that had been bugging me for some time, "Mum - what's apple strudel?" For the next ten minutes or so, my mum set off on a rambling description of a foodstuff. Since I had no idea what a strudel was, she was trying to use a physical description. Every now and then, my mum paused, looked at me, and asked, "You have that [pictured in your head]?" and waited for me to nod before continuing.
Eventually, she finished describing this foodstuff and I had it crystal clear in my head what she had been trying to get across. Unfortunately, she ended all this with, "You've got that in your head, yes?" nod "Well, it's nothing like that!"
Well, thanks, Mum.
Ever since then, any situation where we've tried to describe something and have failed miserably is met with a joyful cry of "Apple strudel!"
>ahem< I guess you had to be there.... (shuffles feet, all embarrassed).

OK - time to change the subject.
As you may have gathered from our Xmas message video, we have a fondness for hedgehogs and have collected a few 'hog-related nick-nacks and cuddly toys. We're usually on the look-out for a new one, but only if it's different from any of the hundred or so we already have, so when we're out and about, we'll often make scouting for hedgehogs our priority.
One day, Julie spotted one in a shop and called me over to have a look. Unfortunately, as I pointed out, it may have been very cute, but we had one that was very similar to it. Julie objected, in her own inimitable fashion.

...yes dear.

Merry Christmas to all our readers

So here it iis, Merry Christmas! Everybody's having fun.
Loook to the future now, it's only just begu-u-un!

No kidding. Thanks, Slade, for pointing out the bloomin' obvious.
A few days ago, I/we/whatever had the idea of making a Julie's Gems alternative to The Queen's Speech. For those unaware of this particular festive tradition, this involves a pre-recorded message to the multifarious subjects  of HRH Queen Elizabeth II. This message is broadcast on BBC1, just after lunchtime on Christmas Day. This is truly one of the most inspired pieces of TV scheduling ever, because after a massive meal and (usually) copious amounts of alcohol, even the most hard bitten cynic is likely to feel rather more amenable to Royal condescension. If nothing else, by that point, they can't physically move anyway and the remote has been accidentally thrown away with all the wrapping paper from the presents (along with - oh, how DID they slip in there? - those horrible socks from Auntie Violet).

Our short clip differs quite widely from the original in one or two ways. Well, most of them, if you want to be picky. However, what we DO hope is that it is eminently watchable and fairly charming. We also hope it's not too condescending.

(you'll need to turn the volume up a bit, I'm afraid.)

Julie's Gems; A Festive Message from Spike Matthews on Vimeo.

There. I hope that wasn't too painful.
Have a great time, folks and hopefully, we'll keep on seeing you popping by to stand in awe of our language skills.

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Incidentally, if you would like to see more of these clips featuring Julie and/or myself, please let us know. Also, if there's anything in particular you would like us to cover (or, more likely, vaguely touch upon), then why not let us know - either in the comments or via our email address - juliesgemsuk@hotmail.co.uk
Don't forget, you can also use this email address to submit any Gem-like situations you have found or been involved in yourselves. We will credit you, unless you'd really rather we didn't.

Hedgehogs and their habits.

When I met Julie, I'd already had a thing about hedgehogs. I'm not sure why, but I began doodling and suddenly found myself coming up with a whole range of odd 'hoggy characters living in a forest with a tree-god and a homicidal giant snail. It was ok, but my artistic talents are very limited and I just don't have the patience to develop them any further. To prevent any further questions, here's the best of them.

Despite this, I found myself becoming fond of the original critters and began collecting various hedgehog ornaments. When Julie saw my collection, she loved it, and began adding to it herself. Thus began a shared interest bordering upon obsession. The only blight upon this is the fact that we live in a rented terraced house and therefore have pretty much absolutely no chance of a 'hoggy visitor in our back garden (pity - it'd keep the slugs and snails off my cauliflowers...).
A friend of mine, however, has had a number of hedgehogs in her garden and introduced me to Hedgehog Street, a site dedicated to halt the decline in the hedgehog population. Naturally interested, I sent off for an information pack, which arrived in today's post. After I read through it, Julie had a look and saw the little cards showing some of the annual activities of the hedgehog.

After I recovered, I had to admit it was a classic and it proved once more that we're perfectly suited to each other. In fact, if push came to shove, I think I would have to admit the fact I am just a little jealous at her free-wheeling ability to free-associate images like that.
And yes, she does generally win each game of word association.