Some time ago, I reported that Julie had trolled me as we were out for a drive (Fingered...). I'm sorry/happy to say she has done it again.
What? Sorry - you want context? What's to say? I mean, we're driving along and I slowly became aware that Julie appeared to be groping her own arse. Then I asked a silly question.
Well played.
All I could think of though, was one of Paul Whitehouse's characters from The Fast Show, Clive Tucker.
Clive Tucker, left.
Incorrectly listed (initially) in many articles as having a sneezing problem, you will clearly see from this 'episode' of Country Matters with Bob Fleming, that he has a different trouble altogether...
In the car one day, we were waiting at a junction to a dual carriageway. Waiting and waiting; it's a busy stretch of road.
Just before the junction, on the dual carriageway itself, there is a pedestrian crossing, the type where you need to press a button for the lights to change.
Unfortunately for us, there was not a pedestrian in sight, and I starting hoping aloud for one to come and push that damn button so the lights would change and thereby allow us out.
Julie suggested I tried to do it by telepathy. I could have let it slide and accepted the sentiment, but I'm a picky bugger and I have a very strong didactic streak in me, so I took the opportunity to explain the correct term and the difference between the two.
Very quick, and - in my view - pretty much spot-on these days. Ironic, though, as I'm not the one that watches X Factor...
Last year, Britain stopped airing TV programmes via analogue signals. In the final few months leading up to the switchover to digital TV, there was a sort of genteel scramble to either replace or adapt televisions. It didn't help that many people (us included) thought for a while that we would have to buy completely new TV sets. This was something that incensed us. We don't have much in the way of money, but compared to a pensioner who has to decide whether to spend a day's money on heating or food, it's a small fortune.
In the end, all we had to do was adapt our analogue TV, push the signal through the DVD recorder and away we went. Of course, we had to pay to get someone in to show us that. Nothing we could do got us a reliable signal.
Once it was all sorted, we sat and scrolled through the channels to see what delights lay in wait.
...
...
...
...
...
Well.
What a load of crap.
I knew there was a reason I preferred reading and listening to music.
OK, so we only have Freeview, but we're not going to fork out for stuff we're not going to watch, are we? Especially as a lot of what appears to be on offer are repeats.
To me, one of the oddest channels is Challenge TV; showing repeats of game shows from days gone by. If you are of a certain age and lived in Britain at the time, then you will no doubt recall some of the weirdest notions for game show formats. Bullseye was a cross between darts and a pub quiz, and 3-2-1 asked people to make the most tangential leaps of logic to solve clues and win prizes.
There are other game shows on the channel, too. One of them pits adults against children, the premise being that adults are often less intelligent (or have less knowledge, at least) than their offspring.
When Julie saw the programme title in the listings, she seemed to take it as a very specialised challenge.
Here in Britain, we have been gradually switching our TV signals from analogue to digital. Essentially, it should give us more channels and a clearer picture. What it really meant was a lot of people suddenly finding that they can't watch the four or five channels they were happy with. Well, not unless they either forked out a small amount for a digital adapter, or for a new TV and/or aerial.
What with all of that, we were discussing whether it was worth our while switching our phone line/internet provider to someone that deals with TV too. We looked at details for a while, bit it evidently all got a bit too much for Julie. all those details, comparisons, offers, etc. Julie looked at me and tried to tell me what offer may have been the best - or was it that she wasn't bothered at all? Or maybe she meant something else? I was completely lost, to be honest. And it seemed I wasn't alone...
Acronyms - they can be handy, they can be confusing (anything official, or a series of space saving measures in a newspaper article, for example). Some acronyms are just letters (RAC), but others form actual words and often have been contrived to do so ('The man from UNCLE', anyone?). Sometimes, these 'words' can be inadvertently offensive, and sometimes they can be offensive by design, even if only for humour's sake. If you have seen the CLITORIS scene in one of the Red Dwarf episodes, you'll know exactly what I mean.
With that in mind, I dreaded what a boozed-up (ok, she was just a bit tiddly) Julie was going to make of this question...
BAFTA, of course, stands for British Film and Television Awards, but you probably worked that out, right? Julie knew, but but the lure of an opportunity to muck things about proved to be something of a siren call.
And now, as a special treat for you, have a CLITORIS.
Tata for now - tune in tomorrow for the finale to this week's Trivial Pursuit bonanza. And yes, it's going to be a good one.
What with Julie working two part-time jobs to try and build up our income, our time together has become much less than it could be. It wouldn't be so bad if both posts were weekday jobs, but it's never going to be that simple, is it? One job is good like that, but the other, the one for the hospital, begins on Saturday and finishes on Wednesday. Oh, and it's an evening job.
Right.
One thing we do like to do is have ourselves a take-out and DVD night on either the Thursday or Friday. Normally, we will watch a bit of comedy (Red Dwarf or classic Muppet Show episodes. Occasionally, it'll be The Young Ones). For food, we will try and have something that we can eat while sat on the sofa. Sometimes, we can get away with Chinese or a curry, but the natural choice of take out for this situation is either fish and chips or pizza. If it's the latter, then we will order online, which is an experience in itself. If nothing else, we usually foul up one way or another and accidentally delete the entire order.
Bad words are said.
One thing we do is take advantage of a specific offer whereby we buy one pizza and get the other for half price. If nothing else, it means we don't have to worry about cooking for the next couple of nights. The only drawback to this is that we both wind up a little paralysed by choice. My own response to this is to sit and read a book or magazine while Julie ponders the possibilities. I believe she does the same while I'm prevaricating. However, it's a little difficult to read when your soulmate is providing a running commentary - and refusing to take the thing at all seriously...
Talking of Red Dwarf, I suppose it would be remiss of me to avoid including this rather idiosyncratic and supremely appropriate music video. Tongue-tied may be how Julie can be, but it's how I feel when she is near me.
Yesterday, Thursday 10th of May saw an unusual event in a Scottish BBC TV studio. During the regular airing of the lunchtime news, the newsreader, Sally Magnusson did the usual handover to the weather report. What made this particular event so special was that Britain's crown prince, Prince Charles, had taken the place of the normal weatherman.
Granted, Charlie had been given a special script, one which was - oddly enough, hem hem - rather focussed on areas where there were royal residences, but I have to admit that, looking at the picture above, he seems to suit the job quite well. For a British BBC weatherman, that is. I'm not entirely sure if it was 100% scripted, but Chaz even managed to fit in a jokey reference to our beloved weather patterns and the apparent poor timing with regard to public holidays.
"...but a cold day everywhere, with temperatures eight degrees centigrade and a brisk northerly wind. Thank God it isn't a bank holiday."
It's not laugh-out-loud funny, I'll grant you, but it's typical British humour; a wry recognition of certain immutable facts of life.
You may have gathered from my rather over-familiar references to the queen's successor that I don't go overboard in my flag-waving Jingoism. Don't get me wrong though, I don't dislike the royal family completely. I'm not sure how politically potent they are these days. Queen Victoria was pretty much the last reigning monarch to be actively involved in the running of the country, although it may be that that could change if Charley gets the crown. He's been noted for - how shall I phrase this - trying to influence the opinions and practices of the British people and businesses. Some see him as a welcome positive influence and possible role model, others just think he's an interfering busybody without a clue. Me? I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, especially since he's done some good things, raising awareness of environmental issues being just one example.
So that's Charles. But what of the other members of the royal family? The Duke of Edinburgh is hilarious, albeit in a teeth-suckingly and completely cringeworthy embarrassing uncle way. Harry is an earnest young chap, although he's made some howlers himself in the past. I think he's going to grow up to be one of the best people though. And then there's Prince William, Charles' eldest son and therefore second in line to the throne. He's OK, I suppose, but his future role means that he has to watch what he says and does very carefully, with the net effect that he comes across as an amiable and serious-minded fellow - with about as much charisma as a soggy chip (or french fry, for our colonial cousins).
Of course, I can't ignore our current monarch. But... I can't really think of much to say. She appears to be nice, but all I really know of her is that she gets to go on holiday a lot and probably has to see a physiotherapist about RSI in her wrist from all that gracious waving. Having said that, I do recall a sketch on the satirical puppet show, Spitting Image, which had a puppet of the queen, singing 'One Will Survive', to the tune of the classic Gloria Gaynor song, 'I will survive'. In the sketch, Queenie sings about the possibility of abdicating so that Charles has a shot at the throne before he kicks the bucket himself. Well, more precisely, she sings about there being NO possibility of abdicating... As I recall, it was absolutely hilarious.
As you can see, blind obeisance isn't a huge part of my psyche.
Getting back to the point, my friend Wolf mentioned Prince Charles' stint as a weatherman and handily posted a link. I wasn't too worried about watching the clip myself, although I was interested in my friend's opinion; apparently, Charley handled it rather well, which led Wolf to believe there was an alternative future for him. I wasn't too sure myself, and responded in my usual, cynical and none-too-reverential manner...
It might not have been all that bad, except that I have something of a reputation for twisting the meaning of words and sentences, often to a salacious end. A reputation that came back to bite me right where it hurts...
Heh.. oh well.
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By the by, Wolf is the generous soul who sent me one of his copies of The Time-Traveler's Wife to offer as a bonus prize to one lucky person in our World Book Night draw. If you want a special edition of this book, then email us or comment below, just to say you want in. I'd hurry though, as we will be making the draw on Sunday evening (GMT).
A friend of mine from gaming days of yore has graciously allowed me to share this little event with you...
Paul and his wife, Lisa, were waiting for a TV show to begin and were successfully avoiding the ads by having themselves a pleasant natter. They both enjoy the show, but it so happens that it's actually Lisa's favourite. Paul was lost in the conversation, but Lisa, who had been keeping a weather eye on the TV, saw that the show was about to begin. With a pithy ability to get right to the point, Lisa cut into the conversation with this...
Um. Yes, dear... (shutting up now, dear)
When I saw this, I knew I had to appropriate it for Julie's Gems. However, I needed a little background first. After all, the only thing I knew at first was a simple sentence on Facebook.
See what I mean?
Apparently Lisa "has a thing for serial killers. Long story."
Erk. Having asked the question, I was now reminded of a quote from Terry Pratchett's 'Mort'
Yes, it definitely served me right.
In case you happened to be interested, the TV show in question was Criminal Minds.
Many thanks to Lisa and to Paul, who is probably in for a world of pain when Lisa finds out he allowed me to post this.
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Now I've managed to shoehorn a Terry Pratchett quote into the blog, I may as well take the opportunity to once more plug the free book draw taking place. If you want a special edition copy of 'Good Omens' and an official Julie's Gems bookmark (with a chance to also blag a copy of Audrey Niffenegger's 'The Time-Traveler's Wife' and a slap watch), then send us an email by this Sunday to juliesgemsuk@hotmail.co.uk
Julie and me, like any other couple, have our differences in taste. While I'll read lots of stuff, across the board, including hard science, fantasy, travel writing etc, etc... Julie, on the other hand, will tend to stick to chick-lit, with the occasional celebrity bio thrown in for good measure. She listens to good ol' pop music, cheap, cheesy and cheerful and thinks that stuff like Radiohead is dreary, morose nonsense... er... actually, I pretty much agree with her about that last bit, but you get the idea.
Despite our views on each other's likes, there exists a certain amount of middle ground. Of course there is. There has to be for any relationship to survive, just as you also need the differences for that middle ground to exist. We both like musicals, Mock The Week, games of Scrabble and watching The Muppet Show. Whether or not you like them, you know the Muppets - if nothing else, the amount of publicity the recent film has been given means the only people unaware of it currently reside in the supermassive black hole at the centre of our galaxy. And even then, I'm not sure.
Returning to the point, we were sat together watching a classic episode (1976! And it still feels somewhat progressive!), one which had quite a few high spots. However, with the way Muppet humour goes, I found myself, on more than one occasion, turning my head to give my wife a steady look. It does have to be said that much of what they were coming out with could so very easily have been uttered by my darling, off-beat wife.
Things carried on in this vein for a while, until I was in danger of giving myself repetitive strain injury. The final straw came in the form of a Muppet musical number, courtesy of the stereotypical hillbilly Gogolala Jubilee Jugband.
Now, I hope this is internationally viewable, or this post is going to fall flatter than a pancake under an elephant's arse...
It's actually good for me to watch this again, as I spent most of the first time giving Julie The Look.
Tell you what, just in case you weren't able to watch The Muppets' version, here's Ray Stevens with his own version of the song - complete with an in-video graph that is either very helpful or just makes things worse.
Hopefully, you could watch one of those two clips. Now, you see why I had Julie in mind when this came on? Even she agrees that "I'm my own grandpa" is hilariously baffling.
One final stab at making sense of this, OK? Here's a nice, clear chart depicting all the relationships and familial ties referred to in the song.
...nope. I'm still baffled.
Mind you, it doesn't help that I spent much of the song thinking to myself, "why does this remind me of Bill Wyman?" Maybe, you pillock, it's because the ex-Rolling Stone did almost exactly this. You see, the dirty old man married an 18 year-old girl, but then his son married her mother... I did wonder whether it had been written with him in mind, but it turns out that the song was originally released in 1947. I know Bill's knocking on a bit, but I doubt he's that old...
Hello and happy 2012 to you!
How did your New Year celebration go? Did you have a good time? Can you even remember?
If you're like us, you gave up going out for a celebration, because it's so damn expensive - especially the post-midnight taxis. Instead, we curled up on the sofa with a drink or two and watched Jools Holland's Hootenanny. If you're not familiar with the show, allow me to elucidate. Basically, it follows a similar pattern to the root programme [Later.... with Jools Holland], in that there is usually a wide variety of musical artists taking turns in playing songs. Like I said, variety is the key, the programme is noted for showcasing rock, RnB, folk, pop, jazz, blues and even world music - often all in the same show. Another feature of the programme is that artists are encouraged to leave their comfort zones and sing/play something completely different to them. For example, this year's Hootenanny had Cyndi Lauper performing her hit, 'Time after time' in a gentle folk manner, having earlier sang 'Girls just want to have fun' in a completely over-the-top reggae-fied fashion. Very entertaining.
Other acts this year included Aloe Blacc, The Vaccines, Sandie Shaw, Buddy Greco, Jessie J, Imelda may and the wonderfully named Pokey LaFarge and the South City Three. On top of all that, you still have Jools Holland's Rhythm and Blues Band, featuring the huge-voiced Ruby Turner and Ska trombone legend Rico Rodriguez.* Go on, Google or Youtube any of them and watch some clips - especially of the Hootenanny itself if you can. I can guarantee there'll be some thing for you there.
Of course, with such a wide variety of people to watch, Julie had a field day with her Gems. Are you ready? There's a major hit of Gems coming your way right now. Sit back, read and enjoy.
First up was Betty Wright, an amazing singer of superb pedigree, and not a small amount of experience in the business. Then too, there was her hair. Wow. That's a LOT of hair, isn't it, Julie?
Yes, that's Betty in the picture, but I swear the 'fro was even larger on New Year's Eve.
Then came Aloe Blacc. I love his voice, but - like many, I imagine - I wondered about the spelling of his surname. Julie was also wondering about his name, as it turned out. Although, not in quite the same way as me...
Ba-boom tish.
Sheesh. I have to admit, that one got her The Look. Not that she was abashed or ashamed at all. In fact all it did was make her laugh even harder and inspire her to new heights/depths. Take this next Gem, where Jools was introducing Mr Blacc by saying how well things have been going for him.
Some way into the programme, after some excellent sets (Aloe Blacc) , a couple of mediocre ones (The Vaccines) and an utterly WTF performance from Sandie Shaw (Still barefoot after all these years!), there finally came one of the performers I had been waiting for - Caro Emerald. Seriously, if you haven't heard her, you need to do so immediately. Stop reading his now and go find something by her. This will still be here.
Welcome back. She's good, isn't she? Looks good too. I need to have a cold bath after watching her for too long. It's nice to see someone who doesn't think that the best look for a woman is stick thin, but has a bit of shapely meat on their bones (see also Adele). Julie, of course, put it a little differently.
So... all the rough bits have been smoothed out. Is that what you're saying, love? Yes... I can go along with that.
After all this, I can't very well leave you without a clip from the show, can I? To be honest, the main reason I hadn't before now is that I'm all-too aware that many of our international friends won't be able to watch the clips due to licencing issues. Tell you what - have a gander at the afore-mentioned Pokey Lafarge. They were this year's 'fun oddity that's still great entertainment' band.
*I'll be honest here - It's great to see Rico is still alive and willing to perform, but he's really struggling now, and the trombone isn't the lightest or easiest of instruments to play - and it showed.
Not too sure what it is about mothers at the moment. So far, one friend has supplied me with a couple of Gems from her mum - and assures me there'll be plenty where they came from. Now, Sharron has come to the fore and come up with something from her own mother. I have to admit, though, it's more of a'Fail' than a Gem.
Apparently, the family were sat around, watching Agatha Christie's Poirot on TV. You know - that famous detective from Belgium. The one best played by David Suchet.
Some way into the programme, Sharron's mother evidently has a flash of insight.
Well, yes. Yes, i... Actually, no. No, it's not. It's not 'just like' a whodunnit, it IS a bloody whodunnit.
Fortunately, what with everyone else giving her carefully blank looks (laced with a modicum of humour), Sharron's mother quickly realised what she had just said and led the laughter. Which, I am told, lasted a fair few minutes.
A friend and her mother... actually, no, let's start this one again.
You may recall a recent post where a friend and her mother were at a country fair, and the mother came out with a Gem of such magnitude that her own daughter dropped back and tried to pretend she was with someone else. Can't remember it? Tell you what, have a look here and refresh your memories.
Good stuff, yes?
Any way, back to the present moment; as it happens, they were watching the TV, when someone familiar to the mother popped up on-screen.
Not the best description in the world, but if you know who she was talking about, then it makes a little more sense. Say 'hello' to Jamie from the TV show Mythbusters.
See what I mean? Jamie - under the ever-present beret* - is bald as a coot, but doesn't he have a most impressive set of facial hair? So, yes, my friend's mum was actually correct, despite the Gem-standard oxymoron. Jamie is 'the bald bloke with the hair' (yes, I know facial hair is technically 'bristles', but it's still hair).
*I did try to find a picture of Jamie without his beret, but it just wasn't happening.
I have a stack of paper scraps here on my desk - all containing hastily-scribbled comments and observations from my lovely wife. The thing is, as the stack implies, Julie does tend to come out with a lot of Gems, far too many to keep up with unless we post daily (and that's not happening, unless Julie posts one or two herself. Yeah. Not happening). Unfortunately, such an embarrassment of riches means that, unless I've managed to capture a few details at the time, all we have is a random comment with zero context.
We all know that any innocent phrase taken out of context can appear to be inappropriate at the least. With a Gem, it seems that the reverse is true. I now have a load of what were at the time wildly odd and hilarious comments - sadly now merely odd.
So, here I was, leafing through a load of near-indecipherable scribbles (my handwriting is appalling at the best of times, and trying to jot something down while I'm laughing is an exercise in futility), when I came across this following exchange:
Oh, and if you don't know who Zaphod Beeblebrox is - shame on you! Read Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy NOW! Alternatively, have a look at this pic and click the link.
There's something I've been meaning to do for a while now. A little while ago, we posted a guest slot featuring the daughters of a friend (have a look HERE for more) and I used a picture of a cute girl to illustrate the Gems. What some of you may not be aware of though, is that the girl is not a complete unknown...
Read on...
For non-Brits, there is a TV programme known as Outnumbered, a sit-com featuring a family of two parents and their three kids. The thing is, the kids are young. OK, so one is a teenaged lad (15), but the other two are only eleven (boy) and nine (girl). The nine year old girl, Karen is the source of most of the show's appeal, being a little too young to take in trivial things like scripts... Then again, that was pretty much the idea when the show was created. There is some scripting, but otherwise, there is a strong improvisational element - and this is just as well, because sometimes, the kids - especially the young girl - will do or say something that isn't strictly what had been rehearsed. Take, for example, this conversation between Karen and her mother about the differences between men and women...
ps - The ages I gave for the children were correct for the first series. What? You thought I was under the impression the girl in the picture was nine? Gimme a break.
