Top of the plops

My mother was the first to note a certain family trait; no matter the topic at hand, any conversation involving one or more of us will turn to shit. Or piss. Anything lavatorial, really.

Julie isn't a family member in the genetic sense, but when it came to integrating with my family, she hit the ground running, and has barely slowed down since. Certainly, when it came to my father, she could do no wrong. Anything she said, no matter how ribald or piss-taking it was, was greeted by a full-on snigger from Dad. Seriously, she got away with stuff we would never have even dared contemplate broaching with my father. The bald patch received special treatment, as I recall...

And yes, this does mean that Julie often joins in with phrases for flushing.

Today, for example, Julie decided to call it a night. Wearily dragging herself up the stairs, she decided to parody a certain little ditty made famous by the nephew of Kermit the Frog.

Yes, I know the word is 'down', but that doesn't really matter, does it?

"Uncle Kermit? That's not right, is it?"

He's right. It's not. Here's the original.

Silly little things

For the benefit of our international readers, I shall begin this post with some background details.

In 1959, all the way up to 2001, there was a programme called Sing Something Simple. It was as easy as easy listening will ever get, but it served its audience well.

I don't recall much about the programme itself, apart from the theme tune. You can hear it in this clip on Youtube , after a then-current jingle for BBC Radio 2 and and brief time check. Sadly, I can't embed the clip, but here's the link.

Sing Something Simple intro

This soporific tune was perfect as a herald for the rest of the programme on its Sunday afternoon slot. For many other people though - normally those below the age of fifty - it was a cue to find a radio station playing more up-tempo tunes. In spite of us young folks' antipathy towards slow songs, that damn intro song has stayed with us for all our lives. Accordingly, those of us with lively minds often co-opt it into fun pastiches or even out-and-out piss-takes.

And then there's Julie's approach.

I do wish she wouldn't come out with these things when I'm driving. It really doesn't help you to concentrate on the road at all...

Ballooney tunes

Caution - slightly NSFW due to language.

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Julie's been singing again.
There we were, having a nice little drive through the countryside. We'd turned the radio off and didn't fancy music at all, so we didn't bother with a CD. Instead, we looked through the window and enjoyed the views (or, in my case, as much as a driver can and should).
At one point, a random thought was started in Julie's mind and she tittered and sang a couple of lines...

Funny... I don't recall that being in the English version or the German original. I'm pretty sure Nena might have something to say about it...

Sadly, due to restrictions, I can't post a clip of the song here. Never mind, you can just sing those two lines over and over until they've become a level 9000 mindworm.

***EDIT***
Apologies to everyone. Because I had been so fixated on posting the video for the song Julie misquoted/paraphrased, when it became clear that no video was available to me, I forgot to adjust the blog to reflect this.
Of course, the song in question was Nena's '99 Red Balloons'.

A positively Pythonesque love life

It was a wet and windy winter afternoon. It's very possible that there is nothing as soul-sapping as living in a seaside town during the out-of-season months. Those few people that do venture out either dash everywhere, trying to stay dry. Or they shuffle along in a resigned manner, knowing that they're wet and likely to become even wetter.
In such weather, getting to work is unpleasant. If you don't have you're own transport, you have to hope that the bus shelter can protect you from the worst of the elements. And then you have to spend your shift in damp, uncomfortable clothing.

Yeah, we have a car.

I dashed to the car, pressing the button on the key on my way. Wet as it was, I just hoped I hadn't hit the button that locked it.
Behind me, Julie locked the front door. Turning to leave, she hesitated. The damn gutter was overflowing, sending a steady stream of rainwater onto the front path. Easy enough to dodge most times, but the wind was blowing the water back and forth. No matter which way you went, you just knew you were going to get a lump of water down the back of your neck.
Sure enough, as I dived into the driver's seat, I heard my wife make a sound of disgust, closely followed by a clang as the gate was hurriedly closed after her.

We sat in the car for a moment, looking out at the rain coursing down the windscreen. What a nasty day.
I hit the ignition, and the car rumbled into life. We reached for our seatbelts, and fumbled for the clasps at our sides; our coats kept getting in the way.
As we moved off, we reflected silently that it was a bloody miserable day to be going anywhere. But even then, going to work wasn't a pleasant thought.

Visibility was poor, what with the wind driving the rain straight onto my window - I could hardly see if there was traffic coming or not.
After driving for a while without speaking, Julie muttered, "horrible weather," and lapsed into silence once more. I laughed to myself, thinking of the Monty Python song 'Always look on the bright side of life'. I began singing an appropriate snippet, only to be interrupted by Julie.

...cheers, love.
(she was joking, by the way.)

Just as bad as each other.

That's us, alright.
I know I have a habit of trying to set Julie up and occasionally baffle her with science and/or terminology - all in the interest of getting a Gem or two out of her. However, it does have to be said that Julie gives as good as she gets. I just tend to end up falling silent, the wires in my head having been crossed by a freshly-delivered Gem. Since I stutter on occasion, it's usually best if I try and think about what is going to come out of my mouth.

Usually.

The thing is, I have a sort of in-built verbal reflex that tends to come out with comments just when they're most prone to humour and/or being in danger of misinterpretation. Or, even worse, of being interpreted correctly by people who are likely as not to give me a good kicking if they catch onto the fact I'm making jokes at their expense.
Hi folks, my name is Spike Matthews, and I'm a smartarse.

Case in point: Julie and myself were out the other day, just for a stroll. I'd accidentally left my notepad at home, which lulled Julie into a false sense of security. For much of the walk, Julie seemed to be in 'chatter' mode, which was good, as she does have a lot of good things to say. After a while though, the gears in her head shifted subtly and the mouth began to overtake the brain. Unfortunately for my wife, this meant the mouth had to to take up the slack and produce things of its own invention.*
Even more unfortunately, Julie's chatter had somehow induced me to slip into 'smartarse' mode. Smartarse, with an apparent side-serving of 'snarky'.

As a result of these circumstances, we wound up with a few Gems. Gems I managed to capture thanks to a stray piece of paper in my back pocket. As I was scribbling furiously, I was barely concious of Julie, who was still chattering away to my left...

"I'm leaning on a lamp post on the wotnot of the street..."

Despite my concentration, I laughed and paused in my writing, long enough for Julie to ask me a question which earned a knee-jerk reply.

er - sorry, love.

*Of course, this is how most Gems are produced...

Flying in the face of logic & lyric

Going back to our travelling alphagames, once more, we had defaulted to our basic topic of songs and their singers/bands. In fact, we'd already had a few rounds on this one, so we'd got into the groove (Madonn... sorry..got carried away there). Anyway, we were good to go for yet another round, so I started off with a nice easy one, 'Anywhere Is' by Enya and that was followed by a few good-to-average turns. ('Big Time', 'Crazy In Love', 'Deeply Dippy', 'Everything Counts')
And then Julie dropped the F-bomb. OK, not THE F-bomb. Ye gods, I was just using some hyperbole. You have to be so literalistic, don't you? All I meant was that it was on the ... you're just messing with me, aren't you?

One of these days I'll learn... Oh well.
Back to the Gem in progress, Julie decided to choose a song for the letter 'F' which rang a bell for me...

....OK, I take it all back. Carry on taking the piss out of me all you like. That'll teach ME to be picky...

(well, perhaps not.)

Tuesday Bonus -You dirty bum!

Just a quickie for you today, courtesy of Julie's habit of ... adapting song lyrics. Apologies to Boney M for this one...

And in case yer wondering what the real deal should sound like, here's a clip of Boney M performing their single, 'Brown Girl in the Ring'.

Wow - love those outfits. What were they like in the 1970s, eh? And that bloke? what was he on? Oh, and all credit to Julie, the original lyrics were pretty dodgy any way; After the first verse ends, you then hear

"Show me a motion, tra-la-la la-la"

What the hell?? No wonder Julie went for a scatological touch with her version! 

By the way, the gent with the camp collar (Bobby Farrell) didn't do any singing; not on any of the songs, ever. Any time you heard a man singing on any of Boney M's songs, that was the producer and creator of the group, Frank Farian. Have a look at the group's litigious history on Wikipedia.

Dusty Springfield sang jazz, you know

Everyone has some inclination towards music, whether they have any ability or not. They like listening to it, going to concerts, singing along to the radio or even just idly humming the time away.
If nothing else, that is the one thing that connects us all; we'll find something to occupy a small, bored corner of our mind while we're working at some larger task

Take last Saturday. We were getting ready to go out and Julie walked into the hallway, half humming, half singing...

I am sure you can imagine it; I'm tying my bootlaces, when Julie's internal soundtrack suddenly becomes audible to the outside world.
Oh, and by the way, the word 'wotnot' features quite heavily in Julie's vocabulary. Usually, it's because her mouth can't be bothered to wait for the brain to supply the word she needs and simply inserts 'wotnot' instead. It can be quite entertaining, but when she's trying to give someone necessary details (such as directions while travelling), a 'wotnot' or two in the wrong place can be very off-putting...

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That's it for today. As with last week, I am out on the road and can't guarantee being able to provide an update on Wednesday.

Red or blue, she'll thump you two.

A little explanation first, as I'm not too sure how international the choc bar and/or its ad campaign were. Have a video.

Well, it seems that the campaign has been brought back following a 20-year hiatus. Julie, being the TV addict she is, has seen the new (slightly PC'd) version a few times, and the tune has wormed its way into her head.
Have I mentioned Julie's aptness with lyrics and altering them to humorous effect? In public, yet?
Pity.
I can never hope to write her versions down generally, but this one stood out in my memory...

For those who want to meet my wife, a word of warning: try not to have a drink in your mouth for too long when she's talking, because you're going to choke on it, like as not...

Tomorrow: Explanations and insanity. TTFN!

Bonus Saturday: No cakes for you.

Happy Saturday, folks (with apologies to those who work weekends).

This was going to be a Facebook-only post, but there were a couple of things recommending it for general release - not the least of which is the fact I find it funny as hell. The other is that most people will need a little preparation before they read it.

Step one; watch this video clip of a song recorded in 1950 by Eileen Barton.





Got that? Cool.
Step 2; Read the following Gem from Julie - bearing in mind this came out of the blue, for no reason at all, as we were walking along the seafront.

Step 3; Think WTF??

That's all folks - see you on Monday for the next round of Gems. Oh, and next week features a Gem from a very special guest.