Your mother was a hamster and your father...

...may smell of elderberries, but that's besides the point, you English dog.

Yes, thank-you, I'll take it from here, if you don't mind.
On a recent journey up to Scotland in the company van, I had managed to sneak Julie in under the radar and since the hotel room was double and paid for by the company, all we had to do was pay for breakfast. Sweet.
Even better was one of our stops along the way.
Eastbourne to Edinburgh is only a short distance if you're looking in the index of an atlas of the British Isles. Driving it is a rather different matter. To make things easier, we planned to break the journey into two days, stopping over at my parents' house for a night each time (so that's why there have been so many family Scrabble games, eh? Interesting...). While we were there for the Northbound night, my father, who is - to put it mildly - rather interested in Scotland, especially the northern parts and Isles. He's made many journeys there, thanks to an old friend who lives in Wick. Naturally, since he has had experience, he was happy to pass on a few hints, one of which was to stop over at the Westmorland services on the M6 motorway. It's greatly different to the normal, horrible, bland motorway service station, he told me.

Oh look, an 'exciting' addition to a bland service station.
Forton Services on the M6

On the other hand, there's this.

Isn't this much better?

If you travel along the M6, one of Britain's longest roads, then you could do yourself a big favour and stop at the Westmorland services at Tebay. For a start, you can see from the pictures above that they're far prettier than the normal crap. Not only that, but once you get inside, then you'll find that the ridiculous chain cafes, shops and restaurants are absent. Instead there are farm shops with local produce and a restaurant offering dishes that really are made freshly, with fresh ingredients.
Damn, I'm hungry now, and I'm not going to help myself with this next bit...

As I said, my father is rather hot for the Scot, especially Robert Burns, his poetry, and THE event of the Scottish year, Burns' Night. The main thing here is that Dad does like a bit of haggis. I'm partial to it as well, but Dad's just that bit happier for eating one. With that in mind, I had resolved to buy him one as we were going to be dropping in to Scotland for a flying visit.
As it turned out, buying a decent one-man haggis was a problem in Scotland, but not at the aforementioned services, so we browsed the shops and bought a few gifts. I'd already headed towards the chilled food section, and Julie was following. I announced my intention to her;

Not a lot I could say to that.

Why, oh why were these people allowed out of the country?

Today, we have something of a bonus, courtesy of Julie. This time her only involvement was to forward an email on to me. It's one of those lists of people and quotes that always seem to do the rounds. This lot are pure class though and are worthy of appearing on Not Always Right.


From Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the guest's complaints during the season. (NB the word 'alleged could be used here. They could be pure fiction, but I have no way of knowing. They're still entertaining though)

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local
store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger
nuts."

2.  "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I
often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be
banned

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India I was disgusted to find that almost
every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had
to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

5. A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a water hole, who
spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this
rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

6. A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been
locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not
disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the
room.

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your
brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

9. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick
and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was
ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

11. "We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a
street trader, only to find out they were fake."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

13. "There was no egg slicer in the apartment..."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi
drivers as they were all Spanish..."

15. "The roads were uneven.."

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only
took the Americans three hours to get home."

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends'
three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

18. "The brochure stated:  'No hairdressers at the accommodation'.
We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

19.  "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks
Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

20. "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or
unruly guests before we travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a
double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I
find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us
in the room that we booked."


You know what? Never mind why they were let out of the country - I just hope they weren't allowed back in and were sterilised to remove them from the gene pool.