The quotable Pratchett

Nothing much to say today, despite the massive backlog of Gems, both from Julie and friends who have passed on humorous situations to us. (Think you know someone who is worth Gemming? Drop us a line at the usual email address or via our Facebook page.)
No; today being the last full day of our competition, I thought we could share quotes from Terry Pratchett. After all, I know we could do with a giggle, right? Leave comments below with your favourite quote - if you can think of a single one, that is - and I may collate them in a few days in a special celebratory post.
To get the ball rolling, I wanted to share this Gem-like quote with you. It's not from any of his books, that I can think of, at least, but is worth displaying just for the sheer fact most of us will be sitting here nodding and grinning our heads off like Roundworld versions of Nanny Ogg.

Come on, admit it. You spent a few seconds staring at it before you started nodding, didn't you?

Like I said; the free draw ends tomorrow, so get those entries in!

Memory almost full - of WTF

OK, it's best that I get the news out of the way first - you're certainly not going to be in any fit state to take it in following today's Gem.
Regarding the World Book Night free draw for copies of Good Omens, I have made the executive decision to extend the time for entries for another week. This is nothing to do with the draw itself, but more to do with the fact I will be sending out the prizes on the back of my next pay packet. Ultimately, this means that any waverers now have a little longer to try and make up their minds, as the closing date is now Sunday, May 13th.
Go on, drop us a line at juliesgemsuk@hotmail.co.uk and tell us you want a free book. Or books and a watch. Actually, why not drop us an email anyhow? We like to hear from people. Tell us what you like or don't like about our blog, and maybe even suggest something or other. You never know, you may even have a Gem yourselves and want to see it posted here... don't look at me like that - it's happened. A lot.

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And now for something completely wotnot.
Today's Gem is all Julie and was a status update on her personal Facebook page.* The first I knew of it was that one of our mutual friends had commented upon it and requested - nay, demanded - that it be transferred here to make it official.
Anyway, no fannying about, here's the Gem. Make of it what you will, because I'm out of options...

Now, if you're anything like myself and our friend, you will have just spent the best part of five minutes reading and re-reading that, just to try and work out if the internal logic holds up.
In fact, if you're anything like me, you have also just developed a sharp pain behind your left eye and given it up as a bad job...

Have a great weekend folks (especially to those of you in the UK who now have a three-day weekend to look forward to. Barring people like Julie who work in hospitals and the like. My sympathies.)

*Don't forget that Julie's Gems also has a Facebook page. If you become a fan of the page, then you'll have access to all the Gems plus a few FB-only posts.

All we need to do is make sure we keep talking

Some people have wondered what it's like to have a conversation with Julie. To have all the wild and wonderful comments zooming off at so many tangents it's usually nigh-on impossible to discern where the original line of though was going. To suddenly find yourself utterly incapable of speech. Of thought, even.
With that in mind, we are going to share with you a recent Facebook conversation we had. Before you read it, however, I want to say a couple of things.
1) In case you were wondering about the start of this exchange, my father's name IS Eric, and we're alluding to a former Monty Python member and a much loved variety hall and TV comedian, much famed for his antics with another fellow named Ernie Wise.
2) You asked for it. Just remember that.

I warned you.
By the way, the spaghetti/interchangeable comment above was referring to this particular part of Birmingham's road system, Spaghetti Junction.
Also, for people unfamiliar with Morecambe & Wise, allow me to point you in the direction of this classic clip from their show, parodying Gene Kelly...

Here's another Facebook Gem for you. As an added bonus. Wrap yer heads around this.

All this just goes to prove the words of Pink Floyd (as uttered by Stephen Hawking).

"For millions of years, mankind lived just like the animals.
Then something happened that unleashed the power of our imagination.
We learned to talk."

After that, we were really screwed...

See you next time!

Bonus post - wot WAS the wotnot?

You may recall a post from a couple of weeks ago...

As I said at the time, "Context is everything". I'd written the Gem down but completely forgotten what the hell we were doing at the time to warrant such a situation.
Since I obviously hadn't a clue, I asked you for some help. Some of you commented on the Gem itself, others on my Facebook page. Also, some of you are either on medication or are in desperate need of some. You see, while one or two of the comments were disappointingly close to the truth,* there were also several that were bordering on inspired lunacy - or even in danger of becoming Gems in their own right.
HolzOnkel, commenting on the Gem itself wins a no-prize and a pat on the back for coming up with the most self-referential possibility - all based upon the tags/labels you'll find on the right of the page.

"Hold on - i need to put my dodgy logic on, or my loopy language will get self-aware."

Also worthy of a no-prize is Scribe, who definitely was trying to create a Gem (and wasn't doing too bad a job of it, to be honest...).

"I need to put my glasses on or my eyes will get dislocated."

Meanwhile, over on Facebook,  Michelle wins a no-prize for persistence and determination to add to the wackiness by posting a number of possibilities. She started slowly...

"I need to put my tea cozy on or my tea will get cold?"

But soon warmed up...

"I need to put my velociraptor on or my egg will get eaten?"

And finally achieved greatness with the frankly suggestive

"I need to put my lingerie or my husband will get none?"

My response to THAT one was "I dunno about that - he might think he's in for some if you DON'T wear it..."

*As I said, the truth behind the wotnots was predictably mundane - "I need to put my shoes on or my feet will get wet." Sharron and Michelle both thought that (or a close variation thereof), while back on the Gem page, Pinkshrimp was of the opinion Julie had been referring to gloves on her hands.
Hm.
I think I preferred hearing a series of 'wotnot's to the truth.
And you know what? I reckon you do too.

Saturday Bonus - Looking for hot chickens

Well, not precisely, but it got your attention, didn't it you perverts?*

Some weeks ago, a good friend of mine wasn't feeling too good and was feeling rather chilled, and not in the good, blissed-out sense. Fortunately, she had some comfortable slippers, a pair that could be made even more comfortable via a brief spell in a microwave oven. (Essentially, they're a shaped pair of wheat bags, similar to those I use for my headaches - although I don't tend to heat mine, or wear them on my feet...)
Not so fortunately, they developed a problem. And this problem led to an immediate misunderstanding on my part...

Initially, I had absolutely NO idea what to think. My mind literally boggled. And then parts of it we desperately trying to shut down or disown my damnable imagination as it came up with weirder and weirder explanations. I think it says something about me, something unpleasant, that I never managed to even come close to the mundane reality that was needing feathers to replace the lost wheat.
Shame on me. My friend certainly heaped scorn upon me, even if it was leavened (spot the vaguely bread-themed gag, pun pals!) with a lashing of amicable humour...

* Many apologies to Gonzo the Great, who has perfectly normal relationships with chickens. Normal for him, that is...

Sunday Bonus - Spike's confession.

Hi folks; hope you're having a nice weekend so far. The weather here is bright and a little chilly, but not nearly as cold as it was yesterday. I know time's effect have been felt more in recent years, but for me to have a three-layer day? Unthinkable!

Anyhow. I imagine there are a lot of you that feel I'm poking far too much fun at my poor wife, and that Julie doesn't deserve all the flack I'm giving her. Well, sometimes, that may be true, but for by and large the vast majority of the time, any attention that she draws is entirely deserved. Those who were caught up in her little display last night on Facebook will gladly (and with great glee) testify to Julie's awesome ability to pep up a conversation. Admittedly, we had been rolling along at a swift pace with many a silly comment and/or pun. But then Julie suddenly arrives with this.

Of course, when you just arrive out of the blue and come up with a complete non sequitur like that, people will carry on for a moment before their brain suddenly twigs what was said.

And then it snowballed from there... As threads go, that one was pretty damn epic.
Back to me. Like I said, many folks think I am essentially picking on Julie.
Then too, many of the same people wonder just how I can cope with being married to her (yes, they're the less-kind people).
Simple. I'm completely nuts myself. Witness this conversation between myself and an inno... er... relatively innocent young friend.

I should point out at this point, that my friend is a member of an archery club, and they frequently have meets where they have early-morning breakfast bonanzas, with roaring log fires in the forest and eat lots of bacon and/or sausage buns (or baps). Being a vegetarian (that eats eggs, go figure), Maddeh has a bap filled with eggs - hence the 'eggybap'.The 'shooting part should be obvious.
My twisted mind just took the odd word and took it places it shouldn't be allowed. For that, I apologise to Maddeh.

Saturday Bonus: Julie writes the Gems

Ah, Facebook, that repository of the weird and wonderful. As a good example, here's an exchange between myself, Julie and her cousin, Les - with our commencing commenter, Pierre. The original post has absolutely no bearing on the comment stream, oddly enough, except that at one point it mentioned this site..
Take it away, Pierre!

In one sense, love, you were never on this planet, but I'm so very glad you are still here.
By the way - that bit where I was 'literally raging'? That was because I was frustrated I had no way to get down all the amazing and hilarious stuff that was coming from the talk. I am definitely saving up for that voice recorder..

You are locked out of Reality. Please try again.

These days, many of us seem to spend far too much of our time surfing the web. And yes, I do include myself in that. What with social sites, MMRPGs (online games where you play with and against other people - such as World of Warcraft), and... er... pictures <coughs uneasily>,  more and more of us are becoming apparently addicted to the internet.
With that in mind, I'd like to share with you, if I may, a conversation between myself and two friends, one of which is the daughter of another friend. Both spend a lot of their time on computers, although the daughter seems to have lost the link between the internet and the real world...

Just a hint. The password is usually "doorknob". Use that and you'll be amazed how many times the door will open.

The big kiss-off

OK folks. To help you with your decision, regarding the format of the Gems, I thought I would bring an old favourite out of retirement; It has never been published on this site before, but some folks may remember it from way back when...

Essentially, once my bemusement had cleared, I established that Julie had wanted to kiss me on the lips. Unfortunately, she was by my side, so she could only reach my cheek (ie my face). I'm not entirely sure what that says about the size of my face...

Got any Gems or questions? Why not drop us a line.
juliesgemsuk@hotmail.co.uk.

Failbook: Vocabulary/pattern recognition

You may have gathered that I am a man of words. This is true. Despite the fact I had to take my English 'O' level twice (youngsters would know it as a GCSE these days), I take great pride in having a better-than-average grasp of my mother tongue. Mind you, as with most people with a little pride and not much talent... don't I just know it?*
The other day, one of my friends posted a link to something via Facebook, a survey called Test your Vocab. Before you get all sniffy, let me assure you that it's not a Facebook app, so you don't have to allow it access to your sex life, bank details and your genetic code. In fact, you don't even have to go to Facebook at all, so all you trendy Twitter-philes and hipsters on Google+ can enjoy it with impunity and dignity intact.
</facetious mode>

I'm getting off-topic, aren't I? Sorry about that.
Anyway, I naturally thought to have a go and see if I really was as good as I thought I was. The result? Pretty much so. Me being me, I thought to brag about it and so posted about it on Facebook.
Julie saw this and decided that she, too, would chance her arm. There were two problems with this idea. The first was that Julie has a habit - an entertaining one, to be sure - of making up her own words when the real one finds it can't make its way any further than the tip of her tongue. The other... well, just see for yourself in this screencap from the actual conversation thread on Facebook.

(Don't you just love the thinly-veiled threat at the end?)
So - How did you fare on the survey?

*For a top-notch explanation of this turn of phrase, please enjoy this short film by The Streets.