Logic has been diminished

When I started writing these Gems down, I never gave a thought to context. All I committed to paper were the exchanges, divorced from the events that led to and followed them. This wasn't much of a problem to begin with, but now I have a small box full of scraps of paper and filled notebooks, I find myself looking at a set of almost unintelligible scrawls, with no idea of what prompted them.

All this means that I am now faced with two options. I can either fake a backstory, and hope I can get it as true to life as possible, or I waffle on, filling the post with a series of side-stories and unrelated topics.

No idea who did this, but it belongs to the surrealism art school.

...er ...perhaps not that unrelated...

Forcibly dragging the post to something resembling order, the only background I can provide to today's Gem is that me and Julie were discussing her ability to entertain with verbal slips (and spot-on bon mots). Very often, Julie will do herself down, claiming she is thick, slow, and dull.

That's one thing that is pretty much guaranteed to anger me and anyone else who knows Julie. Just because I remember lots of useless titbits of information, that does not mean I am more clever than the next person. When Julie talks about her work, I generally sit there while my eyes glaze over and the conversation flies so far over my head that it attains near-earth orbit. The reverse is true wen I begin discussing the intricacies of playing Magic: the Gathering.

However, there is one aspect of my psyche that would enforce such a self image. I can be very picky about some things. I like things to be correct and will attempt to correct people - including myself - when I believe them to be wrong. Since I spend a lot of time with Julie, this means that I do nit-pick at things she says. And trust me when I say I have got into trouble about doing this. Right, sis?

That said, may I present this legally-themed Gem.

Yes, I am fully aware that 'grounds of diminished responsibility' is a defence tactic, not an accusatory one. But - it was fun to roll with it, right up to the final brain crash.

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The two cartoon images come courtesy of an anime game series known as 'Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney', although some people, mostly in the West, will know them from the series of parody videos, Phoenix Wrong. These videos cut together parts from the games and then overdub music, quotes from movies, and classic comedy sketches, all punctuated by a banged gavel and a cry of "Objection!" Take a peek at this example.

Verbal and Legal

It appears I missed Wednesday. Shame on me - especially as I had a Gem ready and waiting to go.

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Last week, we went to a live show (as opposed to a dead one. That would have been boring). The band in question go by the name of The Illegal Eagles, so named because they are a tribute band to - well, it's obvious, really, isn't it? The show was excellent; all the musicians really know their stuff.

The band began eighteen years ago, started by the second and fourth gents in the picture. Over the years, there have been a lot of members, although some more permanent than others. The bass player on the right has been with them almost since the start. The newest - and youngest - member of the group is on the left. No, it's not Smallville's Lex Luthor, unless he has had a personality implant. He's a good addition to the band, contributing, as almost all of them do, to every section of the stage. Mind you, the real Mr. Diversity is chap #4, playing a variety of guitars, drums, vocals (including lead), and even saxophone for 'The Heat is on', played in the set's solo hits section. One each from Glenn Frey, Don Henley ('Boys of Summer'), and Joe Walsh ('Rocky Mountain Way'*).

You may have noticed that I haven't, until now, mention the third gent in the lineup. That's because he is the only one whose name I know off the top of my head; Keith Atack. Keith is the only reason that we were there. You see, Julie was massively into a band called Child when she was younger, and Child featured a couple of twins by the name of Tim and, yes, Keith Atack. Here's a picture of Keith (or is it Tim? Heck - they're twins...) to show why Julie was such an ardent fan.

Handsome, no? By the way, I had a little trouble searching for images, and I really hope Big Brother understands that my search term 'child singles' - in Images, no less - was innocent. After all, I really wasn't wanting results of Destiny's Child.

Back on track.

Some days later, we were out, taking Roxy for a walk and discussing the concert. I raised the point that TIE have been sanctioned by members of the original Eagles, in much the same way as Pink Floyd have approved The Australian Pink Floyd Show. It's something that has always made me smile to myself; I mean, 'The Illegal Eagles' can be a bit of a tongue twister on its own, without throwing anything else into the mix.

I have no idea if I did get it right, but it's as close as anyone would get. Julie herself admits there would be no way of repeating it.

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* 'Rocky Mountain Way is good, but I prefer 'Life's Been Good'.

I'd rather crawl inside a tauntaun.

In line with British law (as seen in this Gem), we are good dog owners and don't leave dog poo for people to step in etc.

However, with the weather of late, it's a tad difficult to pick up dog poo with a flimsy little bag when the wind is doing its level best to rip said bag out of your hands and send it to the next county. Or country. We are lucky in that Roxy doesn't generally pull and is happy to stay where she is while we deal with the nasty stuff.

Another thing is that it's a bit nippy when you have wind, rain, and low temperatures combined. Especially when you had been wearing gloves up to that particular moment and now have to remove at least one to get the finger mobility needed.

Julie has managed to find a bright side to this, though.

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*Just in case you don't get the relevance of the title....  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CXmp1hLK0tY

Half dog, half monotreme.

You may have noticed that Julie is somewhat of a whimsical frame of mind. You will be very pleased to know that this has not changed a jot since Roxy entered our lives.

A crossbreed of Staffie and bulldog makes for a very solid dog, and there is no denying that when Roxy opens a door, it tends to stay open. Similarly, when she decides to cuddle up to you, you will definitely know about it - and hopefully be very glad you were already sitting down.

However, Julie is one for pet names, and when combined with her leftfield sense of humour, it can prove to be a tad confusing. For me, if not the dog - especially when Julie appears to be rummaging around in the back pocket of Roxy's genes...

Three things: No, of course Roxy didn't answer to it. And you know what, the first thing that came to mind was a paraphrasing of Monty Python's classic 'Brian' scene, "She has a fwiend, you know... Incontintentia Buttox."*

The third thing was a corker. I always try and illustrate a Gem if I can, but when I typed in 'dog platypus hybrid', I have to admit I wasn't expecting anything.
Silly me.
First bloody result from Google image search was this beauty.

Image is the sole copyright of Evelar.

Evelar is a digital artist on deviantArt. If you click on THIS LINK, you can see the picture in all its glory. Please do visit the page, and browse the amazing art therein.

Of course, there was no way I was going to miss a chance to share a classic bit of comedy with you...

*In true Monty Python fashion, there were four things that occurred to me - the other one, of course, being that this was going to be yet another platypost...

Sing something scary

Pretty much everyone likes to sing to themselves at some point. It may be in the privacy of the shower or car, or in the street, furtively looking to make sure nobody else can hear you. On the other hand, you might be bold enough to belt it out loud - possibly following a few alcoholic drinks...

Alternatively, you may be singing without quite realising it. A tune has got into your head and won't leave until you've sung the same few lines over and over. Much to the annoyance, most likely, of those around you.

I tend to fall into this category, I have to admit. Often, I'll start a tune and then tail off, having been distracted by something else - otherwise, I'd have gone through the whole song, knowing the full lyrics. 

Julie is also a subconscious singer, and it's usually highly entertaining, because knowledge of actual lyrics isn't necessarily essential; especially since it's all rather stream of consciousness stuff.

Normally, this isn't too distressing, as Julie will have just thought of something that reminded her of the words from a particular song, and she will simply riff off that. However, once in a while, Julie just begins singing. No external input, nothing on her mind - and no restraint...

Wait, so that's two possible songs, two bands, a traditional location for sing-songs and a WTF. 

Now that's a nasty mash-up.

Let's have ourselves an alternative mash-up of the odd persuasion...

World Book Night 2013 - the final draw

Hello folks, it's time for another shambling video clip from Spike and Julie of Julie's Gems. This time, it's in aid of the final part of our free prize draw. In case you weren't aware, here were the prizes:

The first four people whose names were to be picked would win an exclusive World Book Night 2013 edition of Jasper Fforde's The Eyre Affair, and one lucky person would get everything pictured above. Everyone would also get some official Julie's Gems bookmarks, lovingly laminated by my own fair hands.

Anyhow, down to business - here's the video clip of us making the draw. Apologies for the poor lighting, and for my abysmal mumbling; in my defence, I'm just getting through the last bit of a nasty cold.

So there you have it. Congratulations to Rob for bagging the big prize, and to Magenta, Mikey, Lisa and Slim for winning individual copies of The Eyre Affair. Messages, emails and wotnot will be winging their way to the winners to tactfully enquire as to postal addresses as soon as I post this blog.

Tata for now, and thanks so much for taking part, both in the draw and the blog in general. Don't forget, if you find yourself involved in a Gem-like situation and feel it warrants an appearance here, you can email us with the details at juliesgems@gmx.com

Cheers!

World Book Night 2013: A final fail and a call to arms

Yes folks. As I type this, you have just under six hours to enter the free draw. If you want to be in with a chance of winning a great book posted to you anywhere in the world, then email us immediately (if not sooner) at juliesgems@gmx.com - you never know, you may even bag yourself loads of other goodies too, including some official Julie's Gems bookmarks, featuring quotes from the great lady herself!

As a sweetener, here is one final outtake from our pitiful attempts at making a promotional clip for this draw (made in association with World Book Night 2013)...






There you go. All done and dusted.
We will post the results of the draw on Thursday.

World Book Night Fail II - the Techno-derp.

OK, so there we are trying to film a clip for our World Book Night free draw. Yes, we managed to get it together in the end, but there were a couple of problems. One was my poor delivery, and the other was my less than stellar ability with editing tools.

Mind you, Julie's grasp of technology seems to be even worse than mine (somehow...).

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Don't forget - you still have time to enter the free draw to win a load of books, CDs and other goodies!
Email us at juliesgems@gmx.com - and don't forget, this is open only to residents of Earth.

World Book Night - FAIL!

As we love you, we thought we would give you a treat. Specifically, an outtake from our feeble attempts to put together a clip to promote our free draw.

As you can see from the still above, I'm looking a tad pensive. Believe me, by the end of the clip I had good reason...

There you go then. Julie asserts her superiority once more.

Don't forget - you still have a week to go to enter the free draw. Email us at juliesgems@gmx.com or drop us a line at our Facebook page. You have until midnight GMT Tuesday May 7th 2013 to enter. No addresses needed until the winning names are drawn from the hat.

Cheers!

World Book Night 2013 is here!

We've been building up to this for weeks now, both here and on our Facebook page, with hints and teasers galore. Finally, we can now reveal our contribution to World Book Night 2013 in all its glory.

Way back when, I received news that I had been selected once more to be an official World Book Night 'giver'. The first time I did it, the book I chose was Stuart - A life backwards - that one proved to be difficult to hand out, and almost as difficult to read. Last year, it was Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman's Good Omens: The nice and accurate predictions of Agnes Nutter, witch. That went rather better - on several fronts.

This year, out of the twenty titles to choose from, I chose Jasper Fforde's The Eyre Affair. A thoroughly enjoyable and silly romp set in an England from another dimension, TEA shows you just how literally books can come to life.

I will set this blog entry to release at just after midnight April 23rd.
Why? Well, that way, early birds will get a chance to read this and maybe meet me at Roots Urban Farmshop in Eastbourne from 11am onwards and blag a copy of this most excellent of books.

However, should you not be able to make it in time to get a book there, then there is a most wonderful alternative; enter the free draw right here on Julie's Gems.
Here's a shambling, silly video introducing the draw and the prizes on offer.

Just to clarify:

• You have until Midnight GMT May 7th to enter the free draw.
• ANYONE, anywhere in the world is eligible to enter - at no cost.
• Hedgehogs are prickly.
• Enter by commenting here, on our Facebook page, or by emailing us at juliesgems@gmx.com.
• All we need from you at this point is your name and either an email address or phone number. If your name is drawn, then we will ask for your postal address.

...is it me, or was 20% of that last bit unnecessary?

As I said in the clip, one lucky person will not only get a copy of The Eyre Affair, but will bag a veritable treasure trove of goodies. In case you couldn't see them, here they are.

You may have noticed that a couple of books, Skallagrigg in particular, are looking a bit creased. That's because, I'm sorry to say, both that and Decipher are out of print. In the case of Skallagrigg, I think that is most definitely a crime against litereature. Oh, there are pristine copies here and there, but since they go for ridiculous prices in the main, I have to admit that I can't justify forking out my meagre funds.
Oh, alright. The fridge magnet is brand new.

One last detail to try and convince the waverers: The WBN 2103 version of The Eyre Affair comes bundled with a couple of special features. On the inside of the back cover, you will find a poem, and just a little further back from that, there is a snippet from a book, selected by Mr Fforde himself for this edition.

That's it!
Join in, have fun and enter the draw!

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LINKS
Email for Julie's Gems: juliesgems@gmx.com
Julie's Gems on Facebook.
Not Always Right (as mentioned in the video - seriously, it's worth it).
World Book Night.

Vital video procedures

OK, so World Book Night 2013 is nearly upon us. On Tuesday, I will be handing out three-quarters of my copies of Jasper Fforde's The Eyre Affair at a cafe in Eastbourne. Here's my poster advertising the event.

Hmm. I tried to make a logo for JG, but it's turned out a bit naff.

If you can't make it for some reason, then no matter, because there will still be a chance for you to win. On Tuesday, there will be a special blog here telling you just what you need to do. Not only that, but there will be a video of me and Julie presenting the goodies on offer.
Oh yes.
It's been a while, I know, but if a WBN giveaway isn't a good reason, then I don't know what is.

I was discussing this with Julie earlier, and cheekily suggested that she had a small glass of wine to loosen her up a bit. She replied that she'd rather have a big glass. Fair enough, I suppose.
When my wife came out with that, it reminded me of a Gem she came out with when we raised the possibility of a video a while back. The video never happened, but I kept hold of the Gem, because I knew there would be a time that I could share it.

Essentially, Julie was already 'loose' as she puts it. Enough that not only had her mouth escaped from her brain's strict control, but it was tripping over itself in trying to leave the rest of her behind too. Not only that, but she was in danger of using up all her good material before we had the camera ready...

On reflection, I can't work out if that makes sense or not...

World Book Night 2013 - listen like a Slav

What ho, folks! How are your respective weekends going? Have you consumed diabetic quantities of chocolate, or are you somehow managing to pace yourselves?

If you're having a quiet weekend, then I hope you are settled down with a good book to read. Oh, go on, then. Have a bit of chocolate. And a nice cuppa.

When it comes down to settling in for a good, hard read, I like to have a little music on in the background. It won't usually have much in the way of lyrics, as that would distract me. As there aren't many (decent) albums that are limited to instrumentals and/or lyric-free vocals,* this generally means classical music.

I have a few favourites, but there is one composer I tend to keep coming back to; Dvorak. I was a young lad when my father played the composer's Slavonic Dances, but I loved the sound and it has stayed with me ever since. If I'm sat with a book and I want something upbeat to accompany my reading, on goes that CD.

And you know what?

We're going to be sharing that opportunity with you. Yep, another one of the prizes for that one lucky person is going to be a copy of that CD.

Nice, eh?

Stay tuned for more prize announcements in the coming weeks!

It's a weird, weird world

I may just have this as a sort of occasional series - just to show that Julie still isn't as baffling as what people do out there in la-la land.

Today, browsing the net as you do, I came across a video clip of Whinny the Pooh.
I have to confess to being rather trite, as I didn't report that bit quite right.
'Winny Puhh' was how I then read the name, and wondered just what was the game.
With trepidation did I press 'play', and hoped there was no cause for me to pray.
With WEIRD I was fully lambasted, my eyes with terrible oddities blasted.
With jaw on the ground, and brain spinning round, and about to enter a fit.
I hit the pause button and wondered, "Just what is this shit?"

Ladies and Gentlemen - and others - please welcome, all the way from Estonia in North East Europe, Winny Puhh - don't they look a treat...

And, for you gluttons for punishment, here is a clip of them performing... something...

How to assign gender roles. Or not.

It's nice to sing along to songs, isn't it? Especially when you're in the car and a nice, catchy tune comes on the radio. Maybe the radio isn't even on and a song has just popped into your head apropos of nothing. I usually like it when that happens, because it's more often than not a decent tune. Only rarely do I suddenly have in mind a real stinker (the last time, it was a Peter Andre tune.. *shudder*)

Of course, if Julie happens to be along for the ride, then that 'apropos of nothing' tends to have a certain extra, random element...

...of course he did...

I was going to post the original song, but I wanted something a little different. Not the Suggs cover, much as I like him. Then I found this one by a ragtag bunch going by the name of The Local Natives.

For more music visit The Local Natives Youtube page.

A positively Pythonesque love life

It was a wet and windy winter afternoon. It's very possible that there is nothing as soul-sapping as living in a seaside town during the out-of-season months. Those few people that do venture out either dash everywhere, trying to stay dry. Or they shuffle along in a resigned manner, knowing that they're wet and likely to become even wetter.
In such weather, getting to work is unpleasant. If you don't have you're own transport, you have to hope that the bus shelter can protect you from the worst of the elements. And then you have to spend your shift in damp, uncomfortable clothing.

Yeah, we have a car.

I dashed to the car, pressing the button on the key on my way. Wet as it was, I just hoped I hadn't hit the button that locked it.
Behind me, Julie locked the front door. Turning to leave, she hesitated. The damn gutter was overflowing, sending a steady stream of rainwater onto the front path. Easy enough to dodge most times, but the wind was blowing the water back and forth. No matter which way you went, you just knew you were going to get a lump of water down the back of your neck.
Sure enough, as I dived into the driver's seat, I heard my wife make a sound of disgust, closely followed by a clang as the gate was hurriedly closed after her.

We sat in the car for a moment, looking out at the rain coursing down the windscreen. What a nasty day.
I hit the ignition, and the car rumbled into life. We reached for our seatbelts, and fumbled for the clasps at our sides; our coats kept getting in the way.
As we moved off, we reflected silently that it was a bloody miserable day to be going anywhere. But even then, going to work wasn't a pleasant thought.

Visibility was poor, what with the wind driving the rain straight onto my window - I could hardly see if there was traffic coming or not.
After driving for a while without speaking, Julie muttered, "horrible weather," and lapsed into silence once more. I laughed to myself, thinking of the Monty Python song 'Always look on the bright side of life'. I began singing an appropriate snippet, only to be interrupted by Julie.

...cheers, love.
(she was joking, by the way.)

Talking for two

I have a habit that Julie finds annoying - even though she is sometimes guilty of doing precisely the same thing herself.
If I'm out and about and there happens to be someone nearby talking loudly (usually on their phone), then I'll often pretend I'm taking part in the conversation. The beauty of this is that the other person is so wrapped up in what they are saying that they don't realise I'm right next to them taking the piss.

Today, I was taking a gentle stroll along the seafront with Julie. We had just crossed the road, and were passing a couple who were discussing something or other. As is so often the case with even a quiet conversation, odd words or phrases float out and catch your attention. This time, though, Julie was there and was talking too...

Wait, what? I stared at Julie, and asked why she thought the woman we had just passed would have been concerned about a local sporting event.
As it turned out, Julie hadn't intended to give this impression. She just happened to comment upon a sign at precisely the moment the 'concerned' woman move out of earshot.
And confused the hell out of me.

If you want a true masterpiece of talking at cross purposes, though, you would be hard-pressed to find a better example than this clip by comedy duo The Two Ronnies.

Durr-an Duran...

I have a colleague who only works part-time. It's a good thing for him, as he came out of retirement to do the job. It's also a good thing for the company, as they don't want a full-timer.
Dave's a decent enough bloke, but he couldn't, to quote Terry Pratchett's Soul Music, carry a tune in a bucket. He can't even whistle tunefully. Seriously, it's almost painful. For someone like me, a person that needs a bit of music in the background, that needs the flow of music to be right, it really does verge on the painful.
Even worse, his grasp of lyrics is tenuous beyond belief. Again, to me, this is like fingernails down the chalkboard of my soul.

Some years ago, when the Bob Marley track Iron Lion Zion was suddenly a massive hit, I was living at my parents' house and they were having some work done on it. Unfortunately, I was working a night shift and trying to sleep through hot summer days with a workman listening to the radio and trying to sing along with Bob. Even more unluckily, the only words he knew were 'iron', 'lion' and 'Zion'. Even worse, they were out of tune too. Commercial radio being what it is, the song was repeated ad nauseum, and I got very little sleep.

Back in the present day, I was packing some boxes, when Dave came along, 'singing' along to Duran Duran...

Well, it beats "lalalalalaa", I suppose...
Here's the original - clean - video.

Julie vs the Jubilee

Well, hello, and happy Jubilee day to you all. Once again, I have managed to coax Julie to the wrong side of the camera - all in aid of celebrating our glorious monarch's long reigBWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Sorry - I just couldn't keep a straight face there. What I should have said is that we wanted to use the jubilee as another excuse to be very silly in front of our audience. With that in mind, I bought a small Union Jack, which - astonishingly enough - was actually made in Britain and then we roped in Reynard to complete the usual suspects.

As you can see, Reynard is very happy to be with Julie, although it doesn't appear to be 100% mutual. Anyway, onto the video. Sorry,once more, about the low sound levels, and sorry for the excessive amount of mumbling and my almost total inability to face the camera.

It would appear the batteries in our camera have a wonderfully developed sense of timing. I promise you that we did not edit that final section at all. What a perfect way to end the clip - although I hasten to assure you my eyes are fine.

So there you have it. I hope the rest of you Brits - and maybe also some of the Commonwealth countries - enjoy the rest of your extended bank holiday weekend.
Ciao!

Vegetarian - the hard way.

What with Julie working two part-time jobs to try and build up our income, our time together has become much less than it could be. It wouldn't be so bad if both posts were weekday jobs, but it's never going to be that simple, is it? One job is good like that, but the other, the one for the hospital, begins on Saturday and finishes on Wednesday. Oh, and it's an evening job.
Right.
One thing we do like to do is have ourselves a take-out and DVD night on either the Thursday or Friday. Normally, we will watch a bit of comedy (Red Dwarf or classic Muppet Show episodes. Occasionally, it'll be The Young Ones). For food, we will try and have something that we can eat while sat on the sofa. Sometimes, we can get away with Chinese or a curry, but the natural choice of take out for this situation is either fish and chips or pizza. If it's the latter, then we will order online, which is an experience in itself. If nothing else, we usually foul up one way or another and accidentally delete the entire order.
Bad words are said.

One thing we do is take advantage of a specific offer whereby we buy one pizza and get the other for half price. If nothing else, it means we don't have to worry about cooking for the next couple of nights. The only drawback to this is that we both wind up a little paralysed by choice. My own response to this is to sit and read a book or magazine while Julie ponders the possibilities. I believe she does the same while I'm prevaricating. However, it's a little difficult to read when your soulmate is providing a running commentary - and refusing to take the thing at all seriously...

Wait, what? You turning vegetarian on me, love?

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Talking of Red Dwarf, I suppose it would be remiss of me to avoid including this rather idiosyncratic and supremely appropriate music video. Tongue-tied may be how Julie can be, but it's how I feel when she is near me.

The Silence of the Cinema

So, by the time you read this, the prizes from our World Book Night draw will be in the postal system and thereafter winging their way to the lucky people whose names we pulled out of the hat. Finally. Sorry about the wait, folks.

However.
As you may have gathered from various posts and the few videos we have managed to share with you, Gem does have a tendency of begetting Gem. Thus it was that, while I was trying to set the camera up for making the video of the actual draw that I suddenly found myself in the situation of having to hastily scribble something down. You see, after I had the focus and framing to be of semi-acceptable standard, I had Julie sit in her chair and then hit the button to begin recording. As I prepared to move around to sit next to my wife, I waved my hands at her, trying to get her to begin talking, rather than just sit there, watching and waiting for me to sit next to her. Unfortunately, it appeared that my hand-waving was not too clear, and Julie didn't have a clue what I was trying to convey.
Oh well.
I sighed, went back the camera, switched it off, and then explained to her what was needed. "We don't want any 'dead air', as radio parlance has it," I said.
"Oh!" Julie exclaimed, "I get you now. You could have said that before, you know, instead of just waving your hands as me and hoping I'll understand it."
This was very true, and I admitted as much. But then Julie continued, and totally shot herself in the foot.

It's difficult to write when you're simultaneously facepalming, you know.