Hard water

So, how is your week going? Need a drink yet? Need several? How about a spot of Adam's Ale?
In case you're not too familiar with this most English of colloquialisms, Adam's Ale is nothing more than water. I'm guessing it has less to do with that celebrated hairy cueball of Mythbusters fame and more to do with the Biblically alleged first man.

Pedantry aside, water is probably the best thing you can drink, as long as it's not contaminated. Me, I love the stuff, which is just as well as I generally need to drink lots of fluid in the course of a day in a dusty warehouse. Even then, I do find that water on its own can leave my mouth and throat feeling quite dry, ironically enough. Not only that, but it's nice to have a little flavour in it, too.
Julie is less fond of water as a drink. However, needs must when the devil drives and all that... er, sorry. Another colloquialism. That said, if there's nothing else available and you are thirsty, you're not going to turn down a sip of water, are you?
Julie won't, at least. My wife came into the room where I was busy working at the table one day, and we chatted for a little while. After a few minutes, her voice cracked and she asked if she could have a sip of my drink. Naturally enough, I passed my glass over and she took a sip. No sooner had she swallowed, though, than she grimaced in an exaggerated fashion. I was a little surprised, as I hadn't thought it to be that bad.

I would have asked Julie with what she wished the water to be 'diluted', but I was too busy writing the Gem down.
In the spirit of fairness, I suppose I had best point out that the water had come straight from the tap and we live in what is known as a 'hard water' area. This gives the stuff a certain taste, it's true, and even I have to admit it's not the best flavouring in the world. Still, you have to love the turn of phrase, right?

The Silence of the Cinema

So, by the time you read this, the prizes from our World Book Night draw will be in the postal system and thereafter winging their way to the lucky people whose names we pulled out of the hat. Finally. Sorry about the wait, folks.

However.
As you may have gathered from various posts and the few videos we have managed to share with you, Gem does have a tendency of begetting Gem. Thus it was that, while I was trying to set the camera up for making the video of the actual draw that I suddenly found myself in the situation of having to hastily scribble something down. You see, after I had the focus and framing to be of semi-acceptable standard, I had Julie sit in her chair and then hit the button to begin recording. As I prepared to move around to sit next to my wife, I waved my hands at her, trying to get her to begin talking, rather than just sit there, watching and waiting for me to sit next to her. Unfortunately, it appeared that my hand-waving was not too clear, and Julie didn't have a clue what I was trying to convey.
Oh well.
I sighed, went back the camera, switched it off, and then explained to her what was needed. "We don't want any 'dead air', as radio parlance has it," I said.
"Oh!" Julie exclaimed, "I get you now. You could have said that before, you know, instead of just waving your hands as me and hoping I'll understand it."
This was very true, and I admitted as much. But then Julie continued, and totally shot herself in the foot.

It's difficult to write when you're simultaneously facepalming, you know.

Pinocchio vs Prince Charming

OK, so here's something of a classic scene from an OK film. Shrek the third had some good moment, but they were generally lost in a morass of bad ideas. Much as I liked Monty Python, having Eric Idle play the same role as he always does was not a good moment. Even worse, he couldn't even do THAT well.

However, one of the saving graces in the film was the moment when Prince Charming tried to quiz the Gingerbread Man as to Shrek's whereabouts.

When this scene played out, I just looked at Julie, who was suddenly very interested in how badly the carpet needed vacuuming...

By the way. This is one of my other favourite scenes. Seeing Snow White go all badass is pretty... well, badass. Plus Led Zeppelin were amazing.
Then again, the scene where the bad guys invaded works well for me, too. Because it uses this excellent tune.

Happy Sunday, folks!

Marty McFly had a cool time

I just wanted to share this with you. Not sure why, but it seemed oh-so-apt to share it here...

Logic and language obviously have a problem when it comes to dealing with the fourth dimension...

A ding-dong at the drugstore

Those of you who know me, know that I have a life-long problem with severe headaches and migraines. I have tried loads of things. Various preventatives, pain-killers, homoeopathic remedies (yes, I have been that desperate) and even a bizarre experience with a Chinese herbalist.*
Currently, I'm on pregabalin, which is technically an anti-convulsant and generally used in the treatment of epilepsy.

The thing is, pregabalin works by affecting the brain's electrical impulses and thereby has the serendipitous side-effect of helping to prevent and ease head-related pain.
Which is a good thing.
Of course, nothing I take is ever 100% effective, but it has dramatically reduced the amount of incidents I have had, and their severity.
Which is also a good thing. Especially since the HR department at work were taking a rather dim view of things.
A few days ago, me and Julie were walking into town, passing a small chemist (drugstore). It's not part of a large chain company, so it's sometimes limited in what it does and does not have in stock. Bearing that in mind, Julie thought to question me on the subject. Considering she was about to mention an unfamiliar medical term, it was with very unfortunate timing that Julie suddenly had an attack of The Rambles...

Count yourselves lucky - she could have said "Pregaba-labba-doo!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

*Quite some years ago, before I met Julie, there was a family get-together in Southend-On-Sea. Everyone and his dog were invited. At the time, there was a core group of four of us that did most things together; me, my sister, my best mate and his friend, who was dating my sister. As I was unattached and my mate would have been left out, I asked if it would be OK if he came as my "+1".
Oh boy. The gossip and misunderstandings from that simple choice took years to die down.
That's beside the point though.
The family, over the years, has spread over a large part of England. Me, I was living in a small town called Thame, which is a little less than 90 miles away from Southend. The plan was that our little group would make our separate ways to Southend and then get together for a wander around.
We were in a shopping centre when we saw a Chinese herbalist. At that point, I was willing to try anything to kill the headaches up to, and possibly including, trepanning. We went inside and this woman started to take my details. When it got to my address, she suddenly became rather excited.


     "Thame? You know Thame?
     "Er... yes - I live there. Wh..?"
     "You know Piece of Cake?"
     "...yes...?"


It turns out that this Chinese herbalist in Southend visits, every now and then, a small town in the middle of nowhere, with the sole intention of giving talks on how to decorate cakes. And then yours truly wanders into her shop looking for a headache cure.
Don't you just LOVE coincidence?

Lusting and leaving

Let's go to work.
You may remember Iain, one of my colleagues. More precisely, you may remember his somewhat irreverent approach to our work. The last time he featured on Julie's Gems, I gave you nothing to go on regarding the stock with store and despatch. It's time to amend this. Basically, we supply hair salons with all manner of washing, conditioning and styling products.
'So what?' I hear you cry.
Just get a load of these names; Glamour Whip, Roughman, Magic Finish - that's not styling product, that's a script for a cheesy (and kinky) 70's porn movie!

Do yourself a favour. Don't google this without safesearch on.

Well, once more, we were checking orders had been picked correctly, and the dodgy names for the products got us to talking about fetishes.

Yeah. NOW you're nervous, aren't you?

As it turned out, we'd hardly started when Iain said to me something that frazzled even my relatively cosmopolitan mind.

Julie and the Gems of Time

First up, I need to take a few deep breaths. I did something at the weekend which was stupid, irresponsible and has me beating my head against the walls.* I lost one of my Gem notepads, one which contains many, many fine Gems, including at least two platyposts. There has already been some discussion over on our Facebook page, so if you want to pop along and berate me or commiserate with me, then feel free.
The one glimmer of light in this debacle is that I can remember one Gem perfectly.

Now, Julie has a sort of love/hate relationship with this blog. On the one hand, it's a tad embarrassing for her. On the other hand, she's actually rather pleased and touched** that so many people find her witty, charming and entertaining. So it is, then, that Julie likes to know what I have posted and how I have presented it. Some days I'll nail it and other days I'll get an unexpected smack around the back of the head. Normally, the question is a supremely cynical, "So, what have you said about me today?" However, there can be occasions when Julie isn't quite so guarded about how she's phrasing things (yeah, I know, I know).

...and then there are times when I have to jump into a TARDIS to find out what I'm posting. Apparently.

* Gently. I'm not into pain.
** Yes, a lot of people would say Julie is touched...