Fancy some crispy soap?

Well, it's Friday - fancy going for a celebratory drink? Or would you rather we got in some beer and wine and settled down to watch a film or play a shambolic game of Trivial Pursuit?
Oh, hang on - we can't have the booze without having some nibbles, can we?

Banana chips, mixed nuts and chilli corn chips.
Damn... I'm hungry now...

Oh... you want something a bit more traditional, you say? Pork scratchings? Dry roasted peanuts? Or do you just want some crisps?*

Mm. OK, you can have those. I'll stick with normal crisps, if ye don't mind. You know, slice the potatoes, fry and season them, that's it. Don't make them from bits of spud that keep falling apart and have to be squashed together. Having said that, Julie likes Pringles, especially as a snack to go with her favoured tipple...

Vital video procedures

OK, so World Book Night 2013 is nearly upon us. On Tuesday, I will be handing out three-quarters of my copies of Jasper Fforde's The Eyre Affair at a cafe in Eastbourne. Here's my poster advertising the event.

Hmm. I tried to make a logo for JG, but it's turned out a bit naff.

If you can't make it for some reason, then no matter, because there will still be a chance for you to win. On Tuesday, there will be a special blog here telling you just what you need to do. Not only that, but there will be a video of me and Julie presenting the goodies on offer.
Oh yes.
It's been a while, I know, but if a WBN giveaway isn't a good reason, then I don't know what is.

I was discussing this with Julie earlier, and cheekily suggested that she had a small glass of wine to loosen her up a bit. She replied that she'd rather have a big glass. Fair enough, I suppose.
When my wife came out with that, it reminded me of a Gem she came out with when we raised the possibility of a video a while back. The video never happened, but I kept hold of the Gem, because I knew there would be a time that I could share it.

Essentially, Julie was already 'loose' as she puts it. Enough that not only had her mouth escaped from her brain's strict control, but it was tripping over itself in trying to leave the rest of her behind too. Not only that, but she was in danger of using up all her good material before we had the camera ready...

On reflection, I can't work out if that makes sense or not...

Drink and drive responsibly

Walking home one day, I noticed a van parked by the pavement bearing this logo:

I thought (and still think) that this was an excellent idea. If you go out for the night and suddenly realise you have had a tad too much of the jolly juice, then you don't really want to be risking life, limb and licence by getting behind the wheel. Which is where this lot come in.

Naturally, this sparked off a conversation between Julie and myself about alcohol and the dangers of Driving Under the Influence.Normally, you would have the standard joke, "don't drink and drive, you'll only spill it." Not when Julie's around you won't...

No, Julie wasn't talking about making a phone call.

This is so very wrong on so many levels, it's hard to know where to begin...

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DISCLAIMER
Obviously, we don't condone drink-driving. If you're going to drink, don't drive, that's it. However, if you go out somewhere (in the UK) and find your night is suddenly full of alcohol, then please make use of Chauffeur Monkey.

The Bungalow Booze Blues

So that's it. Our week of documenting the Gems from a wine-and-Trivial Pursuit night is over, and all that remains is to see our heroine off to bed. Unfortunately, the alcohol has now definitely taken its toll on her legs...

...yes, dear. Goodnight, love, sleep well.

And to everyone reading, thanks for following this week and over the course of our time - did you know, by the way, that we have passed our 300-post mark in the course of this week? Here's to the next hundred and more!

Bosom buddies have bad memories, apparently.

Acronyms - they can be handy, they can be confusing (anything official, or a series of space saving measures in a newspaper article, for example). Some acronyms are just letters (RAC), but others form actual words and often have been contrived to do so ('The man from UNCLE', anyone?). Sometimes, these 'words' can be inadvertently offensive, and sometimes they can be offensive by design, even if only for humour's sake. If you have seen the CLITORIS scene in one of the Red Dwarf episodes, you'll know exactly what I mean.

With that in mind, I dreaded what a boozed-up (ok, she was just a bit tiddly) Julie was going to make of this question...

BAFTA, of course, stands for British Film and Television Awards, but you probably worked that out, right? Julie knew, but but the lure of an opportunity to muck things about proved to be something of a siren call.

And now, as a special treat for you, have a CLITORIS.

Tata for now - tune in tomorrow for the finale to this week's Trivial Pursuit bonanza. And yes, it's going to be a good one.

No man is an island, however...

Usually, if I ask Julie a question in Trivial Pursuit (or another quiz) to which she does not know the answer, then her knack for coming up with a reply that is off the wall and out of the window will usually come up trumps. During this game, though, the wine consumed was taking its effect and snappy answers were becoming a tad rarer. Don't get me wrong, my wife was still apt to verbal shenanigans, it just took a little longer, that's all.
All the same, I was caught wrong-footed by her answer to this question. I mean, I bet I can imagine the answer some of you could come up with...*

In light of the alcohol consumption, I did wait a little while for Julie to complete the word 'mountaineer', but was ultimately forced to facepalm...

In case you were wondering, the answer was 'during take-off', because John Glenn was an astronaut.


*Jogging, of course...

Warning! Alcohol may cause eyestrain!

This week, as you may have noticed, is a full week of Gems, all resulting from a single game of Trivial Pursuit. You may also recall that said activity was assisted - for Julie, at least - the consumption of a glass or two of wine. A half-decent Shiraz, as I recall.
To begin with, any oddity was purely down to my wife's generally wonderful nature. After a while, however, the wine did begin to take effect. Not that Julie was slurring her words. No, it was more that Julie's brain was actually being slurred.The mouth was fine; I could understand every single word that was spoken. It was just when you put the words together as Julie did that your own brain began slurring in sympathy...

Apparently, this quirky little epithet meant that Julie's eyelids were feeling heavy as a result of the wine she had drunk.
Yes, love. It's totally obvious, now that you mention it. -.-

Getting personal with a planet

In case you are unfamiliar with the board game Trivial Pursuit, Allow me to shed some light on the matter. Essentially, it's a pub quiz for the family to enjoy within the comforts of their own homes. There are six categories for each player or team to answer questions on; Geography, History, Entertainment, Art and Literature, Science and Nature, and Sport. Here's a sample of one of the question cards.

Now, the thing is you can't help but look at and read at least one or two of the other questions on the card. Even if you are only supposed to read the brown question, you are likely to have more than a glimpse at the first question and the two on either side of the proper one. And if something catches your eye, then this is going to be even more applicable.
I can't recall what question Julie WAS supposed to be asking me, but it's largely irrelevant, in the light of her inadvertent discovery of the science question elsewhere on that card...

There's not a lot I can say to that. Did I mention (yesterday) that alcohol was being consumed?

Warning: Cheats will be crucified.

It must have been because it was my birthday - Julie suggested the other day that she bought some wine and we had a night of games - a choice of Scrabble or Trivial Pursuit in our case. Since wine was in the equation, that meant my suggestion was to have some fun with questions and answers. As a result, you lucky people can now look forward to a week of alcohol-soaked Trivial Pursuit-related Gems. That's a whole week, so don't think you have nothing to look forward to on Tuesday or Thursday... or the weekend, come to that.

To start off with, I thought we'd reference some popular culture, to wit the film which consistently tops the (British) polls for the best comedy film ever; Monty Python's Life of Brian. It has always astounded me that Julie simply does not 'get' Monty Python - or The Goons either. I mean, when you consider how anarchic she can be and how supremely surreal (a term I had to explain to her, bizarrely enough), you would have thought she'd be able to quote the films and programmes with the best of them. But no. I will be almost literally falling off my chair with laughter as Michael Palin's Pontius Pilate discusses the apparent hilarity of his friends name with his uncontrollable legionnaires. Julie will be staring at me with a baffled expression. That's if she's even in the room.

So, when Julie pulled out the card to ask me a question, she groaned as she read it.

This was going to be a long game...

By the way - fancy a blast of fwankly wisible humour?

Pissed-up piscines on acid

Julie and alcohol. What a combination. Mind you, Julie without alcohol is possibly just as bad. The thing is you just never can tell.

I was sat in my office, pootling around the internet, looking for things to feature here. Things to post to Facebook. Things to watch and listen to, and things to blow up (in games, naturally). It was late in the evening, and I was thinking about closing up shop, as it were, when Julie came upstairs and popped her head around the door to say 'hi'. Not just 'hi, actually. Once the greeting was out of the way, my wife embarked on a particularly surreal series of non sequiturs.
As I said last time, the best way to cope with a full flow is to ride it out, smiling and/or nodding at the appropriate places. Or staring blankly. That works quite well, too.
However, bear in mind that I told you that this little rambling run was so far off the wall it was out the window and into the street. When I managed to get my head together long enough to say something, I rashly accused Julie of having had a little tipple. Something that she vehemently denied. In her own little way, of course...

Surely it says something about your mind when, upon forgetting the word 'judge', the only possible alternative your brain can offer is 'fish in sulphuric acid.
I'm just going to file this one under 'WTF?' and move on rapidly.

Have a great weekend, folks!

Spike lacks focus

Yesterday, we presented a Platy-post courtesy of my father from the last time we visited my folks.
Still at my parents' place, we were having a great time. I was grudgingly abstemious, due to the various bits of medication I was taking, but Dad and Julie decided to share a bottle of wine.
Yes, me and Mum were thinking exactly the same.

"Uh-oh."

Dad can hold his drink quite well, but Julie is another matter. We don't have occasion to drink much at home. I'm far more a tea person than anything alcoholic, and Julie seems to have headed that way too, in recent times.
So after a short while, Julie finished her first glass of wine, smacked her lips appreciatively and then after a few moments more, proceeded to look at me oddly. Oddly enough that I was a little discomfited by her suddenly keen, if wavering expression.

There wasn't a lot I could say to that. Dad, on the other hand, nearly fell off his chair he was laughing so hard.

A new euphemism for being drunk.

No comments. It does what it says on the tin.

BaaaaaaAAAARRRGGGGHHH!

Julie's been at the Cinzano again, folks.
The problem - sometimes - with drinking alcohol is that you need to consider the snacks you choose to chow down on while you are having a tipple. The thing is, you need to consider the snacks almost as carefully as you choose the wine you decide to take with a meal. For example, while dry, salty snacks such as crisps or nuts are perfect for a beer, they won't go quite so well with,say, a few shots of vodka.
I can't quite remember what Julie was munching on while she sipped at her Cinzano, but it obviously didn't leave a good taste in her mouth...

Now that you have allowed a stunned silence, I am willing to bet that the thought going through your head is, "how does she know?" And now, like me, you're desperately trying to get that idea out of your head.
WTF indeed....

Getting premature with alcoholic logic.

As you may recall, we had my parents staying with us a couple of weekends ago. We all had a good time, but there was the usual pre-visit flurry of activity; tidying up, vacuuming, preparing the spare room, putting a cover over one chair so the dog can sit on it, getting a few groceries in and - in Julie's case - worrying about the bottle of wine and the small bottle of spiced rum in the dining room.

This is the woman who proceeded to get a little squiffy on the bottle of wine she shared with my father when we went out for a meal.

Fancy a canapé? It's low-alcohol, you know.

Everyone generally has a favoured tipple - even if it's only a particularly sweet fruit juice, a piping hot cuppa or an ice-cold glass of water. Generally, I will drink tea., but I like to have, every now and then, a strong, smooth and dark ale. Julie, on the other hand, prefers a Coke but will sometimes treat herself to a bottle of wine. It's not usually drunk all in one evening, but that's just as well, since it doesn't take much to get her... squiffy, shall we say.
Of course, Julie doesn't generally need the excuse that alcohol provides for communicating a little less clearly than normal. If you find that hard to believe, then may I suggest you go and read the archives?
The other day, it seems as though Julie was pre-empting herself. Before even opening the bottle, my wife looked at the label and commented on the alcohol content...

To her credit, after she had said that, Julie did turn to me and add, "and that's before I've drunk any!"

Julie and the demon drink

It's a subject that has been raised in the past. Mostly in conjunction with the game Trivial Pursuit, it has to be said, but last night was something of an exception. Last night, I was on the computer, trying to do some real work for a change. After a while, and feeling frustrated with a lack of progress, I decided to check into Facebook and see what was going on.
Meanwhile, downstairs, Julie was busy becoming acquainted with a half-bottle of red wine, although the first I knew of this was when the exchanges on a particular comment thread suddenly took a turn for the tipply. What followed was 150 comments of varying sobriety and increasing incredulity and admiration.

No, I'm not going to reproduce any of it here.
Sorry.
How about this instead?

Long-time followers will of course spot the similarity between this and this very early classic - also produced via the magic of alcohol.
The thing is, I know there will be a few people out there who will feel cheated by the above post. After all, anyone could come out with something like that when they were three sheets to the wind, couldn't they? Well, maybe they could and maybe they couldn't. The 'fingers' comments, however, were produced with no prompting, apropos of nothing, in a rather dreamy fashion.
How about this one, then?

Now, THAT'S more like it.
Nope. I haven't got a clue either.

Fingertips part 1. And part 2, too.

OK, so you've been reading for a while now and you've got the hang of how things can be a little different on Planet Julie. In the normal run of things, she'll come up with a gem anyway. With a game of Trivial Pursuit, it's wise to keep a pad handy for anything she may say.

So, what do you think the addition of alcohol is going to achieve? Well, something quite like the following gem, to be perfectly honest. Out of nowhere, in the middle of a natural silence and in something of a dreamy of tone of voice, Julie says....

This is partway through her ONLY glass of wine, folks. As if that wasn't good enough, we were discussing the above comment a few days later. After having a laugh about it, Julie turned to me and, in all seriousness, said;

"That's nice de... wait, what? BENEATH your feet? Are you from feudal China or something?"