Friday, 30 September 2011

Bonus fail - medication matters

If, like me, you have a condition which necessitates a regimen of tablets or some-such, then you would hope that you are clearly instructed as to when, how much and how often you should be taking the pills.
If you take Mercilon, however, you might as well just go lie in an empty grave and wait for the inevitable...

Got that?

The kids are alright. Well, mostly...

Hola and happy weekend (with all due apologies to those of you working Saturday and Sunday).

Today, we have another guest slot, courtesy of the daughters of a friend. You have met one of them already in this post. Today, she makes a repeat appearance and brings her younger sister with her. T is only four, so some allowances can be made, but we can still have a chuckle and say "Awwwww" fondly, can't we?

One day, the two girls were playing with their dolls; naturally, the dolls all have their own outfits and accoutrements, according to whatever scenario takes the girls' fancy. On this occasion, T was readying one doll and packing some clothes into a small bag. When she was done, she announced...

If it wasn't a word before, it jolly well is now! Mind you, she could have come up with something a little easier for me to type...
Ah well.

More recently, the older sister, S - who is six - woke up one morning with something of a stiff neck. It was fairly severe, in that she couldn't simply move her head from side to side to free it up. Instead, when S wanted to look at something to the side, she had to swivel her whole body around and look at it that way. I'll tell you something, I think S explains it much better...

We all know what S meant, but doesn't that conjure up such a wonderful image? Slightly reminiscent of Worzel Gummidge in a way...

Wednesday, 28 September 2011

How not to begin a conversation

(Just a quick note; this doesn't feature Julie at all)

So, a colleague of mine, R, is working away, packing up a few boxes and sending them down the line. He's the only one around at this point. Or he is until B comes along. For a minute or two, they're working side by side and then B offers this as an opening conversational gambit.

At this point, B realises what he has just said and, more importantly, implied about R's bathing regime and starts laughing and babbling an apology at the same time.

Naturally, work places being what they are, everyone got to hear about this in less time than it takes to tape a box closed. It's just as well R is an understanding man with a sense of humour - in fact I think he's enjoyed ribbing B about it quite a bit.
Later on, I asked B what he had actually been referring to. Apparently, you can now buy footballs that have an odour. This smelled a bit off to me, so i thought I would have a look-see for myself via the all-encompassing power of Google.
Not a thing. I may have to call B out on this one...


Courtesy of 9Gag, I finally found something that shows B isn't mistaken.

I'm actually intrigued by the instruction to not bounce by the road. Surely that's what you want to buy the ball for...

Monday, 26 September 2011

This has all the signs of a pun

And that's just the title. Yeah... sorry about that one.

You may have noticed that times are getting a little hard. Belts are being tightened everywhere. Unless you happen to be a politician, of course, in which case not only are belts being loosened after each and every meal, but larger pockets are being installed.
If you look along the road at the bottom of our street, you'll see many of the shops have closed down and there are plenty of these signs to be seen.

Seriously, there are a LOT. This picture was taken in Birmingham, which is apparently one of the worst-hit places in Britain. Our town isn't so bad off, but it's not good. The only businesses that seem to be opening and thriving are cafes, hair salons and beauty treatment places. Oh well, when it hits the final fan, we'll have nothing to do but look good and be refreshed.
In the meantime, business after business it closing down and there are more 'To Let' signs appearing almost weekly, it seems. In fact, as Julie so rightly put it...

Ba-boom tish!

Friday, 23 September 2011

Wot is a wonot not?

Once again, a lull in a daily schedule saw us playing our little game of Alpha-categories (henceforth to be tagged as 'Alphagames'), last seen in the post, Mental Mashups. Once again, the category was singer/band names; it's a nice easy one for us and we can rattle through it in a short time, which makes it ideal for whiling away a few minutes when we're waiting on transport links.
Things were progressing normally for a while - Julie claiming that I made up up half of the names I was using (Joe Bonamassa, Ozric Tentacles...), but then it fell to Julie to come up with a name for the letter 'W'. Unfortunately, the 'ramble and repeat' button must have been pressed, because what came out was this:

I'm sorry, but like yourselves, I knew what Julie was aiming for from the start, but you know how it is. You know it's going to be messy, but you just can't tear yourself away.
That and I was too busy alternating between 'baffled' and 'bwahaha!'

Following that, there's only one more thing to do. And that is to join in with us and Shake Your Head.

Thursday, 22 September 2011

An incursion into recursion. Take notes.

Just a quick bonus for you today, courtesy of Very Demotivational.
Apparently, notes were taken. Of what, I'm not entirely sure...

Did you get that alright? Anyone?
Bugger. How can I get someone to explain it to me...?

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Re-writing the classics, Gem-style.

So, we're talking about books, yeah? And how nobody seems to read them, like, you know, 'cause TV has ruined everything. Can't see what people see in them, myself, 'cause it's just, you know, paper, innit? And, like, words.

Well, yes. That's quite enough of that. Do you have any idea how difficult it was for me to try and come up with teen/chav patois? Not only that, but to pretend that I don't like books and reading? The very thought is anathema to me. Julie reads too, but it's not nearly on the same scale as me. Still, it's nice for us to both just sit there having a cuppa and a quiet read in our chairs. As you can tell by the Shelfari gadget to be found on the right (you may have to scroll down some to find this), my tastes range far and wide. Julie, on the other hand, goes for the more comforting read, in the genre that is known as 'chick-lit'. Not for her, the epics such as 'Lord of the Rings' or the classics like 'Wuthering Heights'.
That said, Julie seems to have an idea to make the classics and the epics more approachable to the modern reader. Take, for example, the below renamed Tolstoy...

The scary thing is, I can actually imagine this being produced. Hopefully, someone would have the sense to set it out as a comedic homage...
Nahhhh.... wishful thinking, or what?

Monday, 19 September 2011

Cartoon bonus featuring Evil Inc.

It's Monday. That means a heavy time trawling through all the webcomics that I have have bookmarked. Some come out on other days, but the vast majority post at least on a Monday, if nothing else. In many cases, I'm simply following them out of habit, but they'll occasionally throw up a good one which makes keeping them to hand worth it.
Evil Inc though is a strip that posts each day of the week (bar Sunday) and is definitely worth following, because it has superheroes. Yes, my name is Spike Matthews and I am a nerd. However, the strip also has a fine vein of humour running through it. One the one hand, it loves the comic books (and the snazzy, skin-tight costumes), but then again, the strip does like to poke fun at it all.
Today, I read the latest instalment in a story arc in which there is a power outage through the city and so Superhero Dad and Supervillain Mum are telling their son how they met and what happened when he was born.
For some reason, I saw this and thought of Julie...

Like this? Go read the archives at Evil Inc.

The curious application of lottery logic

I'm going to admit right away that this isn't much of a Gem. Unless you happen to be what is popularly (and usually inaccurately) known as a Grammar Nazi. That is, the kind of person who will be annoyed by the sight of a sentence containing "an hotel", or when faced with a double negative, will invite a roughing-up from someone who really couldn't give a monkey's about double, triple or quad negatives and will show you just how negative it can be to prissily correct someone who happens to be taller, wider and was probably weaned onto bricks as a baby.
(breath in, Spike, breath in!)
That said, a lot of Julie's Gems are not wrong, per se, but there will often be that niggling sense that something isn't quite right, even though you have got the meaning clearly enough. Take, for example, the following Gem.

By the way, the square parenthesis [...] indicate a word or phrase unsaid but implied.

See what I mean? You got the sense of what Julie was meaning to say clearly enough, but a moment later, you stop and think, "...hang on a minute...". What we have here, ladies and gentlemen, is either a failure of logic or a most ingenious paradox....
Time for a video clip...

Friday, 16 September 2011

Fancy a mouthful of perverted prawn?

This weekend is shaping up to be a busy one. Friday night (tonight), we are going to a local production of the Madness-themed musical 'Our House' and then the following morning, it's up to London for a makeover, photoshoot and interview for Julie, regarding the weight loss surgery she had a couple of years ago. It's been an amazing journey and it's done her the world of good, both physically and mentally. Before, Julie would hug the walls and avoid being seen in public, but all of a sudden, she's the most gregarious of people, and I like that a lot.
That aside, because things are going to be a little hectic when we get home from work, it was agreed we would have a take-out the night before, ordering enough for the two nights; this meant all we'd have to do is whack some left-overs in the microwave and have a half-decent meal before heading out again.

For this time around, we decided to have Chinese. Now, if you are anything like us, you probably have a favourite place to go to for your Indian food, the Chinese, pizza, etc... Again, if you are anything like us, you have a benchmark dish. By that, I mean a certain food that you order often enough that you can use it to compare various restaurants and take-outs with. With Indian food, for me, it's chicken biryani. For Chinese food, it's the starter, prawn toast. With prawn (or shrimp. Whatever.) toast, the toast has to be crispy and there has to be a decent amount of topping. I remember I had some once from a take-out my sister used to use and the topping was a smear of rubbery ... something, and the toast was a soggy mess of grease. Guess where I spent much of the next day or so.
This is what a decent bit of prawn toast should look like.

Nice and crispy underneath, plenty of sesame seeds on top and enough minced prawn in the middle to use as a parking block for a 747. Yum! Just don't try moving too much afterwards, OK?
There's only one slight problem with having such a generous portion of prawn; that much juicy, minced filling tends to mean a certain amount of leakage when you bite into a piece. Sometimes, 'leak' isn't the right word. Try, instead, 'spurt'. Or, as Julie puts it...

I am so very glad I wasn't eating or drinking right at that precise moment. How about y... oh, sorry. Here, have a tissue...

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

Tipping over backwards with a wotnot

You know that thing you were trying to remember just now? You know, the details of which are eluding you right now, if you could only rack your brains and bring it from the forefront of your mind? Yeah, that's the one. Thingy, wossname... oh bloody hell, I had it a moment ago.
How about you, Julie. Can you remember what we were thinking of?

Um. That's a 'no', then, is it?


BTW - I hope you like the new header art; I 'borrowed' it from HaoleMcGee over on DeviantArt. Take a look, why don't you?

Monday, 12 September 2011

The big kiss-off

OK folks. To help you with your decision, regarding the format of the Gems, I thought I would bring an old favourite out of retirement; It has never been published on this site before, but some folks may remember it from way back when...

Essentially, once my bemusement had cleared, I established that Julie had wanted to kiss me on the lips. Unfortunately, she was by my side, so she could only reach my cheek (ie my face). I'm not entirely sure what that says about the size of my face...

Got any Gems or questions? Why not drop us a line.

I thought I was thinking. But then I thought better of it.

You know that look on someone's face where you can see they've completely tuned out the world. You know - the one that usually prompts the question, "Penny for your thoughts?" We've all been there, on both sides of the equation. I know I zone out quite a lot; my mind wanders off so much they tend to send out search parties for it. It doesn't help that I also have a tendency to wear dark glasses as a preventative from bad headaches (it works, don't knock it). This means that anyone I happen to be with has no idea if I am paying attention to them or the rather attractive young lady that's just walked in, if I've zoned out or even fallen asleep.*
Anyway, we were in a cafe last Saturday and I could see Julie was slipping into The Zone. Before I lost her, I asked her what was going through her mind.

Silly me. I should know better than to ask questions like that, shouldn't I?


Feedback time, folks. Fancy dropping a line either in the comments or on the Facebook page to let me know what you think of the reversed format for the Gem graphic? It would be appreciated ever so much, ta.

*Trust me, you'd KNOW if I had fallen asleep. People would be desperately looking for the herd of nasally-congested elephants that had apparently just entered the room.

Friday, 9 September 2011

The kids today have no taste.

It's our anniversary today (five years and I still love her to bits), so I thought I would give Julie a break. Instead, we're going to feature the daughter of a friend.

I met a friend (henceforth to be known as 'S') in Manchester while I was off on business and she was telling me that her daughter has a habit of coming out with odd phrases, just like Julie does. I asked her to prove it and spent half the evening sniggering and outright LOLing at the stories I was being told. Take, for example, the time when my friend and her daughter were sat eating dinner. S's daughter was eating chicken-flavour noodles, while her mother was eating the actual meat. Apparently, S's eldest hates chicken, but loves eating chicken noodles. My friend asked why her daughter hated actual chicken meat and got this answer...

To quote my friend directly,
I had to ask her to stop talking at that point as my brain couldn't handle it any more :D
Have a great weekend, folks!

Wednesday, 7 September 2011

The emperor's old clothes

Following on from Monday's post, we're talking about the Abba tribute evening we went to last Saturday. Specifically, the outfits that some of the folks were wearing to the gig. We had all been encouraged to dress appropriately for the show, so there were lots of flares, as could be expected. Some missed the chronological mark by some distance and dressed up as 1960s flower power hippydip peaceniks, but others came in white, sequinned catsuits, which was fine for those that had the figure for it. I'm sure I don't need to go into detail. Another thing that these people in the white outfits could have done with realising is that, when wearing such pale attire, you'd be best advised to not wear black, chunky underwear. It sort of spoils the effect somewhat.

We had considered going in fancy dress ourselves, but there were two things wrong with that idea. Firstly, I wear pretty much the same kind of clothes as I did in the 1970s, albeit scaled up several notches up the scale. Shorts, polo shirt and sunglasses. I'm comfortable, so why change it? As far as Julie was concerned, there was a whole different problem...

This one was an 'eyes closed while I process this' moment. I know all the words, the grammar is passable and there is an underlying logic. However, the whole thing is just... wrong somehow.

Monday, 5 September 2011

ABBA were from Bristol, you know.

Last Saturday night, there was an ABBA tribute act in town, followed by an open-air screening of the film Mama Mia. As part of Julie's birthday present, I bought us tickets to go and see it. What I didn't know, was that Julie would be bringing Reynard, a cuddly toy hedgehog with us.

ABBA tribute in the dark
Julie and Reynard the Hedgehog
I think it was something of a cheek for people to be giving us odd looks, considering the outfits they were wearing... I mean, I know ABBA wore the jumpsuits and flares, but some folks were wandering around in full-on 60s flower-power regalia.
That aside, we were chatting away, enjoying ourselves, when our accents suddenly underwent a seismic shift a hundred miles or so to the West. I know I have a wandering accent, and there's a family tendency to pick up the accent of an area we're barely even passing through. Also, Julie has previously demonstrated a certain inability to fail an accent by immense distances (see this one for proof). However, for us to both spontaneously move from a sub-cockney accent to something akin to The Wurzels was a little odd, to say the least.
Not as odd as the following conversation though.

Er... what?

Sunday, 4 September 2011

Guest cartoon from Johnny Wander

I like webcomics. Johnny Wander isn't a way-out one, but more of a study of human life.
OK, maybe that does make it way-out...

Yeah... they're sporting the expression I tend to give Julie a lot of the time...

Friday, 2 September 2011

Come on and do the pasta dance!

Hi folks; just a quick update for you today. After a fortnight on the road, I am absolutely knackered and thinking isn't much of an option. Fortunately, I had the Gem for today set up in advance.

A short while ago, me and Julie were out and decided to have a bite to eat. I opted for the macaroni cheese, only to be all pedantic about the type of pasta they were using in the dish, because, as everyone knows, there are hundreds of pasta shapes, all with their own particular name. What I had was definitely not macaroni.

Quite possibly. I doubt it though...
Maybe they do the pasta-doble?