It's Twofer Monday!

A lot of our Gems come from when we are driving. I'll be concentrating on the road and the pillocks on it, and Julie will normally start drifting off to sleep, passing through a rich vein of Gems on the way.

On Sunday, we took Roxy back to the rescue centre, where she met up with one lady who had formed a deep attachment to her - and it was mutual. Both Roxy and this volunteer were over the moon to see each other.... but I'm getting way off track.

Years ago, I used to work at a dairy that was some distance from home. Despite this, there were a number of colleagues that lived in the same town as us - or pretty much on the way. This meant that there could be a bit of fuel saved if we shared a shift and a car for the journey. One of my colleagues had a fun little habit. Instead of wolf-whistling or shouting some crude epithet in appreciation of a comely young lady, he would shout 'sausage!' This wouldn't be aimed directly at the young lady, but just exclaimed in general, almost as an observation.

It's not hugely subtle, I admit, but since I picked up the habit - and then passed it on to Julie, it's become a lot less subtle. Shouting it out about a man? Wow...

The first time Julie did it, we were driving past a cyclist. I'm not sure who was more surprised, me or the cyclist. I know we both wobbled as we tried to keep on the road. Apparently, Julie had forgotten her window was open..

Sorry - I'm veering off track again - it's those sausages... er... yeah...

Um, where was ...ah, yes.

Anyway. Out for a drive to the rescue centre, and to the side of one road were the remains of an animal. A mammal of some sort - that's all we could tell.
Mind you, Julie reckoned it had a doppelganger.

This last was aimed at a cyclist we were passing. As I tried to contain my laughter, I looked my mirror and found that the lycra-clad bloke was doing the same thing...

For reference - some people may not have seen Ice Age (why not?). Scrat is a sabre-toothed squirrel with a fondness for acorns and a case of bad luck big enough to hold the world.

Acorn just out of shot...

Meanwhile, Sid the Sloth is an intentionally pathetic character who nonetheless has a decent side. Useless at pretty much everything, Sid only ever achieves anything by accident, and sleep usually only arrived at after some awkward shifting around on a bed of rock (and it's possibly that was meant to be a geological pun).

I have to admit tossing and turning a lot like this...

Certainty

There is a famous and oft-quoted and paraphrased bon mot which has been attributed to Benjamin Franklin, the US statesman and former president.

Many people have since added a third option; human stupidity, housework, etc etc...

Some time ago, I was talking with Julie about this blog and the Gems she comes out with. Gradually coming to terms with the fact that most people are on her side (including me!), Julie is sort of enjoying the notoriety she has in our currently small audience.

We have mentioned before that my notes are referred to as 'damning evidence that could be used in a court of law' - or something very similar - but this time, Julie raised the possibility of a legacy.

"If I died," she said, "would people remember me?"
I replied that while I hoped that day lies long into the future, I believed strongly that she would.

Obviously, Julie meant 'posthumous success', but it struck me as being accidentally very deep.

An uncertain end

Way back when, before we had a dog, we were out having a stroll. Just a stroll, no real destination (although if we happened to pass a cafe, well...). The weather was dry, but not particularly warm - it was just one of those unremarkable days, if you know what I mean.

After some time, I became aware of a sound which was jogging a memory. In fact, I quickly realised, it was really two different sounds, that of an ice cream van and a police car. Me being me, there was an instant musical connection made in my unconscious mind which had me humming a tune...

Julie got into the theme, and we began talking about all things KLF; Timelords, burning money, dead sheep... the normal kind of thing - for the KLF, that is. We also talked about the eighties vogue for bringing classic singers from different genres into contemporary pop tunes - Sandie Shaw (The Smiths),Petula Clark (Pet Shop Boys) and Tammy Wynette as you can see in the video above.

And then Julie asked me a question.

A view to a kill

You had to be there, you really should have been there. I was in tears - quite literally.

Driving along, me and Julie were chatting away when we noticed a small heap in the road.

The heap, to me, was quite obviously a bird. Julie, however, was quite adamant that it had been a hedgehog before failing at Frogger. Now, I will admit that the sad, small pile had seen better days, but I'm pretty sure I recognise feathers when I see them.

You would not believe how long we argued about this. Seriously.
The thing was, Julie was using hand and head movements and truly bizarre sound effects to get across just how the roadkill looked like a deceased hedgehog.

As I said, I was literally in tears of laughter, which was not a good thing, seeing as how I was the one driving... Fortunately, we had come to a halt in traffic, which gave me a chance to wipe my eyes and to once again challenge Julie's notion. She wasn't having any of it though. She still reckoned she was right...

A flowery fate.

Recently, Julie and me finally had a week off together, so we decided to go and visit my mum up in Birmingham.
As it happened, this coincided with the end of Julie's job at the CAB, a place she had worked at for quite some time. Obviously, not every place of employment works like this, but when the news broke that Julie was leaving the Bureau, there was a genuine disappointment (and relief for Julie, who had been trying to leave the bloody place for years). There was also a not insubstantial whip-round. In addition to this, a number of other staff members felt compelled to shower my wife with gifts directly and in addition to what may have been planned.

So it was that I received a phone call, asking me to collect her from the Bureau. When I drove up to the office, what appeared to be a triffid walked out. It was only when Julie's faced peeked out from behind the foliage that I undid the car's automatic locks...
Yes, she was a popular person. Even the boss chipped in, by buying some fake medals and awarding them to her, claiming that they were for long service, toleration of a certain colleague, and success in the face of labyrinthine and constantly changing procedures and protocols.

One such gift was a bowl of flowering plants - absolutely lovely, but there was an immediate problem. Since we were going to be visiting my mother in two days' time, leaving them in our front room without care may have been problematic.

PS
In case you're wondering, the flowers are still alive and flourishing nicely.

Running and rambling

A while back, one of Julie's colleagues announced that she was going to take part in the Cancer Research Race for Life.

At the time, we congratulated her and didn't think much of it. After all, there is so much in the way of charity events taking place these days.
And then, in July last year, my father was diagnosed with a massive and aggressive brain tumour. Less than six weeks later, he died.
After that, our heightened sensibilities couldn't help but notice that so many people's lives had been touched by cancer. It's been tough, to be sure, but we're coming to terms with it now. Yes, we do find ourselves in situations that affect us. The first time I saw this video was hard for me, but I now see it as a positive thing.

Back to our friend. When she told us of her intention to take part in this, we wished her well and backed away. Not from sponsoring, but from the actual activity. You see, neither Julie nor myself are what you could term 'svelte' or 'athletic'. Not by a long shot. For my part, I like to walk; I'm built for a slow, solid pace and Julie is generally happy to accompany me.
Running? Uh... no, thanks.

Julie put it slightly differently, of course.

Heh. Dad would have loved that one.

Bonus post - It's a nice way to kill time

A friend of mine from gaming days of yore has graciously allowed me to share this little event with you...

Paul and his wife, Lisa, were waiting for a TV show to begin and were successfully avoiding the ads by having themselves a pleasant natter. They both enjoy the show, but it so happens that it's actually Lisa's favourite. Paul was lost in the conversation, but Lisa, who had been keeping a weather eye on the TV, saw that the show was about to begin. With a pithy ability to get right to the point, Lisa cut into the conversation with this...

Um. Yes, dear...
(shutting up now, dear)

When I saw this, I knew I had to appropriate it for Julie's Gems. However, I needed a little background first. After all, the only thing I knew at first was a simple sentence on Facebook.

See what I mean?
Apparently Lisa "has a thing for serial killers. Long story."
Erk. Having asked the question, I was now reminded of a quote from Terry Pratchett's 'Mort'

Yes, it definitely served me right.

In case you happened to be interested, the TV show in question was Criminal Minds.
Many thanks to Lisa and to Paul, who is probably in for a world of pain when Lisa finds out he allowed me to post this.

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Now I've managed to shoehorn a Terry Pratchett quote into the blog, I may as well take the opportunity to once more plug the free book draw taking place. If you want a special edition copy of 'Good Omens' and an official Julie's Gems bookmark (with a chance to also blag a copy of Audrey Niffenegger's 'The Time-Traveler's Wife' and a slap watch), then send us an email by this Sunday to juliesgemsuk@hotmail.co.uk

Death, diva-style

You know that people sometimes refer to life as a play or a film? It sort of makes sense in a way, because we spend our whole lives trying to make it through to the end in one piece or, failing that, make our final scene as epic as we can. I have no idea what Julie's planning here, but I'm certainly nervous...

Come to that - what on Earth does Julie think I have planned? To be honest, I don't mind dying, but I'd just as soon not be around when it happens...

Have a nice weekend folks!

Retirement - not always easy.

It's difficult, sometimes, trying to come up with a snappy title for these Gems. Usually, the problem is trying to be brief or not give away the punchline. Today, I have the added difficulty of avoiding the possibility I might scare people off. The 'D'-word does that, you see.
Ah, heck with it. I'll just lay it out for you and then you can see what I'm talking about.

See what I mean? If I start posting things with the word 'death' in the title, people are going to avoid it like an over-used simile.

Oh - in case you were wondering, Julie was working things out and trying to plan for the future. That said, I'm not sure the concept of 'planning' sits well with the idea of taking the path of least resistance...

Next up today, a possible money-spinner.