Sanity soundbite

Every now and then, we fall back to discussing Julie's Gems - the acts, not the site. Usually, Julie will try to explain her way out of the situation. Unfortunately, the explanations tend hold about as much water as a colander. Made of rice paper.

Occasionally, Julie will examine herself, trying to work out what is going on in her head. As I have asserted on many occasions, my darling wife is not stupid nor in any way suffering from any mental disorder. She is highly intelligent, but just a little... erratic, shall we say. In fact, the only real difference between Julie and the rest of us is that the little filter between her personal world view and the real world is curiously absent. That, and the world's definition of 'normal' probably needs tweaking.

Actually, love, I would argue that you are a lot saner than many of the rest of us put together.

Dr. Do-Bugger-All

As you may have gathered over the last few hundred posts, both Julie and myself enjoy the company of animals. We've visited any number of zoological parks and sat and watched wildlife in woodlands and the like. Mostly though, we will make a fuss of almost any four-legged mammalian creature that passes. Julie specialises in cats, while I prefer the company of dogs - and we both like hedgehogs.

However, not all animals are responsive.

Obviously, you need to approach any unfamiliar animal with caution and allow them time to get used to you. Julie, however, seems to find that many of the animals we tend to meet will ignore her for some reason or another. I'm sure it's just coincidence or a case of being a little too eager, but Julie has another explanation.

Running and rambling

A while back, one of Julie's colleagues announced that she was going to take part in the Cancer Research Race for Life.

At the time, we congratulated her and didn't think much of it. After all, there is so much in the way of charity events taking place these days.
And then, in July last year, my father was diagnosed with a massive and aggressive brain tumour. Less than six weeks later, he died.
After that, our heightened sensibilities couldn't help but notice that so many people's lives had been touched by cancer. It's been tough, to be sure, but we're coming to terms with it now. Yes, we do find ourselves in situations that affect us. The first time I saw this video was hard for me, but I now see it as a positive thing.

Back to our friend. When she told us of her intention to take part in this, we wished her well and backed away. Not from sponsoring, but from the actual activity. You see, neither Julie nor myself are what you could term 'svelte' or 'athletic'. Not by a long shot. For my part, I like to walk; I'm built for a slow, solid pace and Julie is generally happy to accompany me.
Running? Uh... no, thanks.

Julie put it slightly differently, of course.

Heh. Dad would have loved that one.

The source of all Gems?

Julia, a friend of mine who has been source of some Gems herself (usually indirectly, I will confess), posted something of Facebook today. This something was a series of diagrams showing hitherto unknown organs of the body, all responsible for some rather specific functions. For example, there is the 'cinema bladder', the one that is responsible for not being able to hold any fluid beyond a sip or two.

There are others, but the one that really caught my eye was the 'posterior nervous system'.

Obviously, this is going to be abnormally large in the human sub-species known as 'politicians', but surely this should go some way to explaining how Julie can come up with bon mots such as 'I would have kissed you, but your face was in the way.'

To see the rest of these new discoveries (originally courtesy of College Humor), visit here. Thanks again, Julia!

Unsure, to be sure

Picture the scene; Julie and me will be having a chat. Suddenly, a wild Gem appears. Julie uses Baffle! It's super-effective!

OK, Pokemon-style shenanigans aside, I will often have to override that little trip-switch in my head so I can get my thoughts together enough to be able to write the Gem down. Following that, we will often talk about the Gem or what was going through Julie's mind while the mouth was off doing it's own thing.
That's the point, you see; Julie has said this to me often enough, and I am quite prepared to believe it; her mouth has a mind of its own and doesn't like to take instructions from the brain. Unfortunately, this is often just as confusing for my wife as it is for anyone she might be talking to at the time.

And, to be perfectly honest, it doesn't help when Julie's mouth decides to chip in when she's trying to explain herself. Seriously - it's like she's having an argument with herself. Don't believe me? Try this Gem for size...

You know, I don't think I was part of this conversation...

Less is more, more or less

Unbelievable.
One word.
Seriously; just one word would make this Gem into something resembling actual sense.

If only Julie had added another 'more' to the end of the second sentence, the conversation could have moved along much more smoothly. Instead, we've hit a linguistic speedbump and ripped out the metaphorical chassis...
Ah well; at least it's entertaining.

Methadone in the madness

I have a nasty headache right now, so I'm going to keep this and the next post short - sorry about that; I may be able to expand on them tomorrow night.


Once again, Julie digs herself into a rapidly-deepening hole...

You know what? I think this is actually spot-on. Often, I'll wait for a few moments after Julie comes out with something, just in case there's some kind of explanation or rationalisation for what I've just heard.
This Gem doesn't need any. Job done.

Something fishy about these beliefs.

If Julie has a fault, it lies in not letting go of an idea once it has taken root, even when evidence to the contrary is provided. In a less-intelligent person (and Julie is intelligent and quick-witted), this would mean being unable to count up to ten - or perhaps being able to count up to thirteen. And a propensity for playing the banjo.

The main problem is Julie gets lost with details of new stuff, and I'm not that good at explaining things. You may have noticed this.
For example, take this occasion. We were in a cafe and talking about food in general. Like any couple, there are things that one likes that the other one dislikes. I like Marmite; Julie doesn't. Julie loves ketchup; I can't stand it.

The big one is seafood. In the main, I absolutely love it, and if I haven't tasted it, then I'll at least give it a try. Julie, on the other hand, is very much a white fish person and only likes prawns if they come with lettuce and 1000 island dressing.
Unfortunately, things that live in the sea suffer from Julie's tendency to stick with certain notions. In this case, it's that everything in the sea is a fish.

Cue lengthy, involved diatribe on what a fish is - and isn't. All followed up with this.

Well, 'fair enough', I laughed - and then launched back into my attempts at education. When we got to crustaceans - specifically crabs - Julie began talking animatedly about how she couldn't stand them. When I asked her what crabs were, she replied that they were 'sea creatures'.
I pointed out that she had just contradicted her earlier comment about everything in the sea being 'fish', and she then uttered the following Gem:

I gave up at that point.

Talking of time spent talking...

I'm going to have to apologise here, I think.

Actually, I think I'm going to have to ask you to take a few stiff drinks (or whatever loosens up those mental muscles for you) before you read today's Gem.
On the other hand, there may be many people who, upon reading this will take it in and wonder just what makes it so special.

And right there is the reason for my apology. I have read it countless times and each time, my brain threatens to turn to cream cheese and dribble out of my ears. The problem is that there is nothing actually wrong with the sentence in any respect. It is grammatically accurate (a first for Julie), it makes good use of various clauses and is, all in all, a perfectly complete sentence.

And yet...
Gah. Just read it, OK? See if you can work out what it is that makes it difficult to follow.

Help please? I have a headache as it is, and this is not helping one bit. And if I have just condemned your own brains to lactic liquefaction, then I really am truly sorry.

(ps - bonus Gem over on the FB fan page as per usual)

Flexible/inflexible

Every now and then, Julie will come out with something truly paradoxical. If you look at each word and even (sometimes) some basic elements of what has been said, they will make perfect sense. It's only when you put it all together, look at it as a whole and compare it with what you know of the situation and of Julie that it becomes a real Derailment.*

See? Everything's going tickety-boo and then along comes that final phrase and suddenly you find your brain has gone all BSOD.**

*So called because a random comment from Julie can do to your thought processes what a tree-trunk across a line can do to a speeding locomotive.

**BSOD Blue Screen Of Death - massive PC failure for non-techies and smug Apple owners.

She's got legs, she knows how to baffle you

Every now and then, Julie feels the need to explain away her little moments of brilliance.
Unfortunately, Julie being Julie, most of her explanations end up as Gems in their own right...

I'll be honest here. I've tried to work that one out a few times and I'm sat here now at nearly midnight and what's left of my conscious brain is saying 'No! Don't look at the nasty thing! You want to sleep!'