Sorry about the absence. It's been a crappy time.
Here's something to ease our way back into your hearts - although I have to admit to pinching this wholesale from one of my friends on Facebook.
I have posted stuff from notalwaysright.com before, the site that provides a does of idiots, bigots and lunatics, all masquerading as customers. Today, I bring you fresh insights from a friend who works in a cafe.
Would you like milk or cream with your coffee sir?
"Black coffee please"
There you go madam
"Could I have some milk please"
You said black coffee madam...
"Yes but I want milk in it..."
"I cant drink this coffee its too milky"
"I don't want this scone, its knobbly. I want a more even shaped one."
"I would like another cup of coffee, this one is all frothy"
But you asked for a Cappuccino sir...
"Could you clear that table please?"
Can't you sit at one of the 8 tables around it that don't need clearing?
"Oh hello...ooh..what shall I have (after being in the queue 5 minutes) ooh that looks nice, oh so does that..ooh I shouldn't really ( 4 people behind her) I'll have a slice of that. Oh no I better not, Id better have a sandwich because I have to pic Jessica up from swimming then Tarquin up from fencing and I shall be starving" (6 people behind her)
What drink can I get you while you decide madam?
"Ooh, er..I'll have a, er, ooh, a latte...oh no I'll have a cappuccino so I can have chocolate on top (7 people behind) I shouldn't really if being just after Xmas and all but I will because little Charles has kept me running around all day because my nanny is on holiday, but can I have skinny milk? Oh and would you put it in a cup not a mug." (9 people behind her..tapping their feet)
Have you decided what you would like to eat?
"Yes, I'll have a cheese and ham sandwich. Is it lean ham? Only I hate fat, could chef trim it?"
"oh lovely. Thank you. What cheese is it? Is it proper cheddar? Its not that ready sliced cheese is it?"
No madam its mature cheddar. Anything else for you?
"Um, ah, oh shall I take a cake for my husband ooh er...oh I can't decide.. (11 people loosing the will to live)...
[This happens every time she comes in]
"Do you have tea spoons?"
Yes, they are in the basket in front of you, six inches from your right hand.
"Do you have serviettes?"
Yes, they are in the basket by the teaspoons...
"What coffees do you serve?"
They are listed on the 3 foot high black board on the wall directly behind and above my head.
"I'd like a prawn sandwich please with the crusts cut off"
"I say this sandwich is a bit small!"
That's because its missing its crusts sir..
"I'd like a breakfast but with no sausage and no bacon"
Would you like a vegetarian breakfast madam?
"No thank you, I want the full English without the meat.."
"Can I have a vegetarian breakfast with extra bacon please?"
Would you prefer a normal full English?
"Oh no, I don't eat sausages, I don't eat pork."
Yes, sir. How much bacon would you like?..
So - I think you can see just why my friend likes to let off some steam every now and then.